BigPapaDean

Congrats Buttman!

Depression is a word so over used to describe when someone is feeling sad or just down and out. Then when some one is talking about "clinical depression" it is assumed that people who are sad and down and out know what you are talking about. There are many different forms and severity of this horrible debilitating disease that science has hardly scratched the depth of what it really encompasses. If you haven't been trained professionally or experienced it then there is no way you can fathom the suffering those of us have from time to time. I use to try and help people that didn't know what it is and how I feel when I am having and episode, but then after failing to do so I decided the normal person with no empathy toward this disease has no understanding and are in fact detached from me and my feelings when I have these occurrences. When I was interviewed for disability the Dr asked me a question I had never thought about in the way she asked . She asked me if I had motivation. Immediately I thought about my whole life of having opportunity after opportunity and had no motivation to take advantage of them. I responded with the question, "Are you telling me that because I have had no motivation my whole life, that I have be depressed my whole life?" Her simple answer "Yes" opened up my comprehension of things I had wandered and pondered about for years with no answer in sight. Things like being told my whole life I was lazy and that I should feel ashamed because I had this or that opportunity. I was told so many times I believed I was simply worthless. Yet on those few days when I felt good I could out work the best. For years I struggled not knowing what was wrong with me. Sometimes I wished that I would just die and have it all over with. I didn't contemplate suicide until that fateful day about 5 or 6 years ago when my marriage fell apart. The failure of the marriage was not the trigger that set me on that path. It was something that had my heart much more than she did at that time. We had this little dog and her name was Lolababy. She was a Pomeranian which are known as the heartbreak breed. Little did I know when we got her she would wrap my love around her little heart and she became the object of my love in ways I had never given love before. We use to take her to be groomed so she would look so beautiful and sweet. She loved to watch television commercials with little critters and would bark at them with excitement. She was like having a little child with us and she was treated as such. One day we took her to the groomer and they yanked on her neck choker way to hard and she got this horrible and eadly disease called collapsed trachea. That is where the breathing tube in her throat would collapse in her throat to where she couldn't breath. We were told she could be okay and live for years or it could be short. The day finally come and when I got up for work I knew I would not see her that night when I came home that night. I told her it was okay to go and not suffer any more pain. I cried like a baby when later that morning the call came she was gone. It took a while for the effects to hit me like a ton of bricks, but when they did I hurt like I had never hurt before in my life. This was the trigger that kicked my nervous breakdown and caused me to plan my suicide. I was in this deep dark hole and felt like there was no way out. I just wanted the pain to stop but it didn't. I planned that on my way to work I would run headlong into one of many bridges along the way. When I saw the effect of the suicide attempt by my soon to be ex on our kids something caused me to seek professional help. I was having problems with this at work and I worked an extremely high pressure job. It became obvious that I couldn't handle the pressure any longer so I retired. The company had a huge party for me which I forgot about and missed it but my mind was not working right and I felt lost most of the time. You see I was at this point "clinically depressed." I am one of hundreds of thousands with like symptoms that have stopped our lives and left us stranded in a place where there is no escape. It's like being held ina jail cell for something we didn't do with not sentence length or even having hope for a pardon. Some do things that get them here but most are innocent and just want their lives back. I am one of many that wants to move forward but the cell walls keep me bound although they be invisible. Mine has cycles it goes through and at present while I have so many good things happening for me I am at the bottom of my cycle. Hopefully this won't last too much longer. When I am on the bottom I have many anxieties and when I am at the top I feel so good I wonder if I really have an issue with depression. But I will always have this disease. Meds make me feel out of touch and very moody. So when I can afford it I use marijuana which have a very calming affect on me. I feel like I am whole again tho it is only temporary. So there are times I cannot afford to get mj so I just let the emotions run their gambit. This is where you as friends and family come in. Most people have never heard what I am about to tell you but for you this is critical in dealing with someone like me. There are things that trigger some very emotional outburst and the thing you need to be aware of is there are trigger words and phrases that set me off when I am at the point of an issue. Certain words and triggers make me act very crazy and out of sorts and when they are said I have a very explosive temper. I have always been a hot head but have by and large kept it under control. The only way you can know what those triggers are is ti remember the reactions you get when you speak them inadvertently. One of the worst ones for me was "you have to" do or say certain things. The worst trigger from an action was when one of my close friends decided after I told him to not get in my face or I would not be responsible for what followed, that he would test me. The look he got when he did scared him so bad he didn't move or make a sound. I don't know how I fought the outburst off as I had a inner fight with myself and when it begin to pass he just sat there not knowing what to do. He now knows I was telling him the truth and since that time he has always been very selective with words and actions when dealing with me. I hate having to live this way and always pray thet God will remove this affliction as I would much rather be a productive person than what some refer to as a ticking time bomb. My real nature is to be kind and help others as much and any way I have at my disposal but I am very limited these days. Thanks to some very special friends that have stood beside me these last several years I feel loved and appreciated. My purpose for writing this is to inform you that these disorders are real and they affect in many ways. There needs to be a whole lot more study done to really find answers and if there is a common link to all the variables. The next time you see someone who may be affected by this disease remember they just want to be loved and appreciated just like you. If you have any questions about me and this disease please feel free to ask but remember be respectful and I will return the same to you!

what they all said!

Hmmm Did you offer him a reach around? He would never forget you if you had? J/k Sometimes we just get lucky and sounds like this was one of those times! Happy for ya dude!

Happy birthday Dirky!

Grats on the mile stone!

So earth is so important to the universe and it is one of the smaller planets yet we in the process of storing energy from a sun that shines on the whole galaxy would drain the sun of all it's energy? Let me see their degrees to make sure they are not trying to hold us energy needy! Here is something else, what about the wind will we in the process of storing energy derived from it destroy the thing that causes it to blow? lol The freakish logic makes no sense even to most morons. Were these researchers dropped on their heads when born or did they ride the short yellow bus? The cliches are endless about being stupid and who in their right mind believe this crap?

El stupido morons!

happy birthday!

after my nervous break down I was scammed much in this way. They took close to 4k before my kids found out and came to help me and even then I believed this woman was real and still sent her funds. I did without because I just wanted someone to love me. Well several years later I now know she was a man and a liar to boot and couldn't care about my predicament and wanted more. It was a hard lesson but today I am well again but I did it even tho it hurt me. Now I tell them I have no funds to give anyone but myself. Best scenario is don't respond or anything just delete and ignore as scam mail.

congrats and now for the next 25 yrs!

It is mostly nothing but dark and grey and smokey. I heard several say they would not play it and I won't either. I have tried but I can't play my style as you can't see anything and there is also a lot of spawn camping on this map!

I wonder would it work to maybe help me fart?

Looks to me like he dug his own grave and dumped shit on his casket!~

PK let me tell you a story that I hope gives you hope. 5 yrs ago when my marriage fell apart and I lost everything and eventually ended up on the street, I was out for 2 yrs. I stayed in contact via my smart phone. My brother told me that when I applied for disability it would feel like there was no end in sight. He said if I would just keep believing that the day would come when I would see the light at the end of the tunnel. After a whole lot of shit and 2 yrs later that day finally came. I now am online everyday and try my best to help where I can. I have a proposition for you. If we the members of this clan can all throw pieces together to get you back online would you be opposed to that. Remember gamers usually have some top of the line stuff laying around and maybe between all of us we can get you back in the game. Please let us know and we will start the process. I been helped a couple of times and I believe in paying it forward!

so if I google 4yr medal what will I find?

If ever there was a reason for not playing that is the one. Nothing greater that you can do than have a child in your care. Congratulation and this will change you and your life forever! Take as much time as you need and enjoy that sweet little bundle of joy! (Y)

Randall I want to tell you I admire anyone that completes their college with a degree and then begins to live their dream. I trust you will do well at this profession and when you are famous don't forget us little people! lol

My son tells me I am so melodramatic. So here goes. A few years ago when I was in a personal crisis I was forced to consider making a very important decision for my future. My boss wasn't happy about it but I knew it was what I had to do. I retired and moved on to a new stage of my life. That is LIFE! I did it because it was the best thing for me. From what you said this is the best thing for you and that is enough for any of us to hear. My boss had to replace me and he didn't want to do that, but it would have put me in the grave had I not made the decision. Now this is not that level of importance but still it will change your life in some small ways you didn't know with time you will have to enjoy life and GAMING. Today I am happy even though the road to where I am now was long and difficult I survived and I am still here enjoying the little things in life like my one and only granddaughter. I hope to see you around and I am pretty sure you will be. If you are not I will assume you are with your family! Well done my friend. So many you have touched in this crazy world of digital illusion yet most all have become your friends and that says it all! Time to relax and be a gamer again! See you in the killing fields. You can always stop over in the WaW Dm server and let me cut you a time or to.

I was playing there at the time and he was warned multiple times. Furthermore he persisted in calling people hackers when he got killed! I hope he finds a home where they don't care if you glitch and accuse without proof!

You're not????

So is turning your graphics down not allowed here? Or is it just pb?

Happy birthday JKM! Sorry about the other day. I was just having a horrible day!

This was one of two things that caused me a hell of a lot of trouble a few months back. Depending on your pc you probably wouldn't need it anyway! I talked to a tech and HE said that Iobit has a reputation about causing problems with their programs. I had their virus protection and it gave me such headaches I had to have it manually removed! I wouldn't trust anything from IOBIT!

Me either! Always improved after using it! Though if you use it to delete things you may have a prob just be careful!