RobMc

There are times when I despair of my fellow humans, usually in these forums, you're idiots

Where do flowers come into it Kapt??

Hi Rob he said Before we start bend over and drop your trousers I heard the snap of the rubber gloves, and the horrendous probing finger Seems ok but I'll see you again in six months I must get a new dentist

You sure this 'rust stain' isn't due to trying British curries???? diaper boy

That's a well kept secret then ?? They'll be telling us next they have no lakes, trees, Moose or Maple syrup?

Mark and Wayne were on a walking holiday in Scotland. While they were walking through the rugged Scottish mountains one crisp Autumn day, they became rather thirsty, so they decided to stop at a remote croft and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited them in, saying they were the first Canadians she had ever met. Marvelling at their manly physiques and strong accents she gave them a drink of water, only $30 Then, as it was somewhat chilly outside, she served them a bowl of soup by the peat fire, a bargain $40 a bowl. While they were eating the soup, they noticed that there was a wee pig agitatedly running around the kitchen. He kept running up to the visitors and giving them a headbutt and a growl. The men commented that they had never seen a pig this friendly before. The lady of the house replied, “Och sure, he’s not that friendly at all. They're his bowls you’ve been using.”

If money is a tool for fools make me an idiot Nooooo just realised what I said, I'm done with that My wife said if you won the lottery would you still love me? Of course I said, but I'd miss you

OMG IT'S a JOKE I wasn't targeting Canadians

OMG I'm giving up, but notice the carefully chosen names Mark and Wayne

OMG that wasn't the point of the joke Kapt?? far too technical

Hello son, how you doing??, do you want me to stop?

The phone company was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Canadian guys. So he met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At the end of the shift, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Mark and Wayne, the Canadian guys came in, and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install? Wayne, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Mark and me, we got three in." The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Norwegian guys put in twelve!" "Oh Yah?," said Wayne, " you should see how much they left sticking' out of the ground!"

A mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Halfway through he said to the tattooist "don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand" The tattooist replied " FFS mate give me a chance, I haven't finished his turban yet!" For you Key my old mate

Mick Murphy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Ireland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked Mick, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Mick looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The man parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email and after a few minutes receives a response. The man turns to Mick and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "The number is correct. Sure you can take one of my calves," says Mick. Mick watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Mick says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your job is, will you give me back my animal?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Mick. "Wow! That's correct," says the man, "How in the world did you guess?" "No guessing required," answered Mick. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...Now give me back my dog!"

Mother, "How was school today, Paddy?" Paddy, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Paddy, "What school?"

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went to her grandparent's house to visit 95 year-old grandmother O'Malley and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, ding and dong, ding and dong. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that blooming ice cream van hadn't come along."

Essssieeee had been out on a blind date. The following morning, her best friend Deirdre asked her, “How was your blind date?” “It was terrible,” Essssieeee replied. “Rob showed up in a chauffeur driven, mint condition, 1939 Rolls-Royce Phantom.” “Wow! What’s so terrible about that?” Essssieeee sighed, “He was the original owner.”

Nycz my boy allow old Rob to help you, the pussy on your lap grabbed my attention, you may be unaware but Rob is fond of pussy on his lap. I found that struggling to see players, even in front of you was not down to the monitor but usually the fault of copious amounts of alcohol, I'm afraid I've never found a cure? As for colour blindness try drinking enough to get your eyes really bloodshot then run around with a shotgun, you won't see the blood as the bodies pile up, better for your nerves. Guess who I bumped into at the opticians yesterday - everybody

As an outsider now, no longer playing and no longer in the clan, may I observe that in the entire time I played Ftag some individuals were hated (why?), some abused in play (even me) and some were abusers. I always put this down to intense competition, but looking at the way humans behave everywhere on every level sadly this is the norm. However to the point, Wildthing is one of the oldest members, has NEVER been any different, so show him some respect or f..k off, simple really. I won't say any names, but in the times I played there were two people who were constantly abused when playing, they shrugged it off, carried on, and were both great players, well done Hammer and Basil.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm????????????????????????? Perhaps this joke is a little too subtle for the average idiot?? Fat C..t Fact Hunt I do try

A friend recently applied to Channel 4 - and got this back... Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel 4 may I thank you for the application you have provided for your wife to appear on our forthcoming reality show and also for the charming photograph you enclosed with the application letter. Whilst agreeing that she would no doubt make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would take this opportunity to advise you that the correct title of the new series is actually "Fact Hunt". Kind regards Channel 4

A hooded robber burst into a Vancouver bank and forced the tellers to Load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Vancouver customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled " Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly Too afraid to speak. Then, one old farmer named Bill from Alberta tentatively raised his hand and said "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you..."

Dr. Malone and wife, Katherine, were in the kitchen having a good old fashioned row during breakfast with plenty of yelling and cross words. Dr. Malone got up from the table in a rage, saying, “And you are no good in bed either!” and stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him. Several hours later, in between seeing patients, Dr. Malone realized that he had been nasty to his wife and decided to apologize to her, so, he called her at home. After the phone had rung many times, Katherine finally picked up. “What took you so long to answer the phone?” Katherine replied, “I was in bed.” “In bed at this time of day, doing what?” Katherine replied, “Getting a second opinion!” My grandad was diagnosed with a serious ailment and the doctor recommended that we smear his back with lard every day. sadly, after that, he went downhill quickly I met a guy in the pub who said he would kill the wife for £1000 He said one clean shot just below her left breast. I said I want her killed not kneecapped

You trying to kill me off girl?? remember us old men have weak hearts. What's the matter my lovely, boyfriend troubles?? don't worry one will come along that's perfect, you're a romantic and very few men are the same. I was in the pub the other day with the wife and looking at my drink, 'I love you' I said 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she said I replied ' I was talking to the beer'

When I finally die Essssiee I'll try to die quietly in my sleep just like my old grandad Unlike his passengers who were screaming