RobMc

A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him. Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?" "Cardiff, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ." "You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

We'll keep it between us dear, he'll never suspect, too busy getting shot and looking at germs

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were on their first visit to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen a lift) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a very large old lady on a mobility scooter moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young blonde lady stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly.....'Son, go get your mother'

OMG While you two time me with Bio?? Rob isn't that easy Wrong! Rob IS that easy, but my wife says not to get me too excited (spoilsport) strangely Rob has just got a new job delivering beer, pop in the back of the truck for a taster sometime.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.' Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy. Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.' Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.' Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his frickin wife.'

On Thursday night he gradually came out of his coma. Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." He somehow managed to mumble in reply, "Can I just feel your tits then?"

This is old now but still funny Key

I'm trying to sell all my old dogging equipment on eBay. Not had any bids but there's loads of people watching. ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!

As long as he's not still wanting to bite you my love, I've got my eyes on him

A husband took his wife to a disco one saturday night. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down. Husband says: "Looks like he's still f@@king celebrating!! Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

You've got Robs attention now my dear

I hesitate to ask this but with 'stuffed' butt exactly what is it stuffed with?? Does it look like a sausage? do you eat it or throw it in the bin? Why exactly do you 'stuff it'? taste, sexual satisfaction or to prevent it collapsing during cooking ? Can you buy unstuffed butt? does unstuffed butt exclude you from LGBTQSW restaurants?? Are there any other idiots who delight in eating butts? Do they wash them before sale or 'au natural'? and finally buddy what side dishes are they eaten with? Are you still taking self portraits in mens toilets in the middle of the night after an exhausting round of deliveries? is this the main butt market? Is so do you need any kitchen AIDS or can you cook them STRAIGHT from the fridge. Rob, As always curious, hungry and an expert in park toilets

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours. When he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a shoovel! Ye left the' Chinese guy in charge of supplies, boot ah could nay find him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells . . . . . . "SUPPLIES!"

I still play S&M, coincidentally with a big thong

I'm not brave enough to marry a Scottish girl, they are fierce

A group of pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the local pub. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this drink" said one. "Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see mine." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third one. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady. “I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am and where I'm going" said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old" winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings" said a woman cheerfully, "Thank God we can all still drive."

You've got to be 500 lbs by now buddy??

Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away..... The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table..... The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....

My God Kapt how the hell did you remember her?? your porn collection must be as big as the Smithsonian library?

Pink that's fabulous, I knew he could shoot but nothing about his plumbing, he's made a great job but as with any man now comes the hard bit - getting him to use it

That's my old salty sea dog, swapping your wives for a 'partner' in times of need 'any port in a storm eh?' traditions carry on, your turn for the barrel??

Hello mate hope you're well, this has to be the sickest joke ever :- Two paedos chatting, one says my girlfriends 12, but she has the body of a 6 year old Even Rob feels bad telling that one as I'd personally unalive (love this modern shite) any of those sickos.

Robs just an innocent young thing, learning about life, I would prefer a mattress performer to an actress, no fooling Rob Sgt

I'll probably be coming too if my wife reads this ?