RobMc

PART 5 1/. Football is really interesting once you have grasped the offside rule, though officials struggle with this 2/. In an effort to hijack the origins a certain country calls the game soccer, oh no no no, deal with your own failings 3/. In the UK we still remember bitterly 'The hand of God' 4/. Apparently in the UK it's our national sport? despite ten times as many people fishing 5/. The 'experts' are called pundits, the pundits haven't a clue, however their bank balances suggest otherwise 6/. During the tournament, for a very modest fee Rob is available for consultations on the offside rule Enjoy it, I'll be fishing

Ah??? the acid years?? and I'm impressed you have a friend, strangely I don't have many on here. Seriously though tell me about it Mike, more people need to come forward if it's true.

xxxxoooo

PART 4 1/. The main object is to score a 'goal', many games reach a climax without any goals after two hours (normal plus extra time) 2/. This is mainly because the average thick football player does not realise this, a 'goal' is when you beat the goalkeeper and the ball hits the back of the net. 3/. New observers will see a team get the ball in their half, pass it right up the field to within yards of the opponents goal, then pass it all the way back to start again. 4/. If by accident some overpaid egotist of a player actually scores then the other members of his team kiss and hug him. This game might be highly suitable for @jointz and @TBB, who as we know need a hug now and again. 5/.Buy a book and spend a few hours in the sun familiarising yourself with the offside rule 6/. If watching on tv and there's a foul it's not like your football, you can't take the family out for a meal until it restarts, remember we have a magic sponge.

PART 3 1/. Footballs really exciting, about on par with trimming your toenails, honestly it's that good 2/. You'll learn about the magic sponge, where players rolling round on the ground screaming and looking like they've been hit by Kentucky Ballistics 4 bore, instantly recover when it's applied. 3/. If you've got an hour or two to spare sit and read about the offside rule 4/. Traditionally in the UK at half time we sup hot beef drinks and eat pies consisting mainly of offal, a fantastic culinary experience for the newcomers. 5/. I ate all the pies 6/. In the old days before seating, people used to pee in your pocket in the crush (true) 7/. It is compulsory to consume large amounts of alcohol before the match (game) and after

More football facts for the newbies 1/. The ball is round 2/. The goalposts are quite low 3/. You get an orange at half time 4/. You can get quite rich 5/. Managers are sacked and changed every month 6/. Most clubs are broke, the players are not 7/. Women play, but not against men, which I find strange with equality laws? 8/. Supporters enjoy fighting each other 9/. It gets less physical as the years go by

I don't date football players, but if that's your scene buddy?????????????? who gives a toss ?? (GET IT?)

Hey now I see the USA are hosting the real game of football, as played by 99% of the world, not your impostor football (sorry Dot), you might even enjoy it (I don't). So Rob will give you a few pointers :- 1/. It's played over two 45 minute sides with a 15 minute break, extra time is awarded for delays, it is not played over 5 hours with multiple stoppages which you're used to. 2/. No one wears armour and only the goalkeeper handles the ball 3/. Heres the bitch, no time for bbq's 4/. You will observe players writhing in agony on the ground, sobbing and crying, don't worry this is normal 5/. Nowadays it is hard to distinguish players as they're all covered in tattoos and look similar 6/. Get someone else to explain the offside rule 7/. Stick to what you know, sports designed for people over 6' 6" and 500 lbs Any questions ask Monkie, he's the expert

Can't everyone lick their eyebrows ???

I only do that after a shower, you're just jealous

Don't sleep - play???

Good to see the boy back in his natural habitat, I've been on a diet, I'm down to morbidly obese

Ssssssssssh, the ladies all think I am

A long time ago I put a post about how many Idiots believed in UFO's and aliens, and if anyone had any experiences. We learned Frenchi had been extensively probed and a few of you had experiences of UFO's, UAP's as they are now known. Following the recent USA releases of unexplained phenomena, has anyone altered their opinions or do you think it is more likely we are being watched? In the interests of science I have just invested £8 in a new pair of binoculars from a car boot sale. Tonight I'm going to observe the 18 year old blond student opposite my house as she prepares for bed in case she is probed or visited by little grey men. I see this as a new interest and contribution to the scientific community, at least that's what I'll tell the police. Wish Rob luck

Yes we would, I wish we were 30 again

I stuck with bikes, owning many until they almost killed me, my favourites T160 Trident, XJR 1300 sp (terrible handling but what a motor) and BMW F650 (both single and twin) for fun. I have never owned a flash car, too likely to get stolen or wrecked, and loved diesels until the politicians killed them. Yes the Honda CB-900F was a great bike overshadowed by the Kawasaki's at the time. In fact I've spent this week, as I always do, watching the TT races, I love bikes.

I got stuck in most airports In the bar

Yea I watched a video only yesterday on YT, they have a huge factory and hand finish parts, those old enough will remember Japanese bike and car manufacturers starting out?

You stand NO chance

Leeds????

House trainings not going so well, and I seem to have lost the dog, but on the plus side I've also lost the wife.

Amazing how many pets look like their owners

Now you've attracted my attention @ucjohn, talking about servers When I was young I met a lovely girl and eventually she moved in with me. The first night she popped out to the corner shop to get some milk. While she was out I did what every red blooded man would do and peeked in her underwear drawer. There, neatly laid out was a police womans uniform, a nurses uniform and a French maids outfit. When she returned I kicked her out, I'm not living with a woman who can't hold down a job?

Why do waiters and waitresses need this??

Yea she barked the message