RobMc

Subject: The little paper bag. A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. 'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag. 'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.' The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. ‘What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag. 'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor. 'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag. 'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor. 'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!' 'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor. 'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!' 'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor. 'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!' 'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?' 'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!' 'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor . . . 'Your mother must have been a carrier'

An 80 year old man walks into a jewellers with a gorgeous 25 year old very fit tall blonde and asks for a special ring. Jeweller says 'here's one for £5000 Sir'. Old man says NO I want a very special ring. So the Jeweller pulls out a large diamond with sapphires & rubys, this ones £65,000 sir. Old man says that's the one. I'll write a cheque & when it clears on Monday we'll come & fetch it. On Monday jeweller phones the old man & says 'Sir there's no money in that account' Old man say I know, but can you imagine the weekend I've just had !!!!

Thank you @Giggles and yes it has, good to hear, how are you??

No mistake my friend if English isn't your first language, quite understandable, I'll bet a lot of those whose first language is English missed it too?

Ah another piece of Robs brilliant satire lost in translation, you'd also need to know Pete who is the greatest left wing liberal in the forums bless him. It is suggesting that both himself and the tree are 'leaning to the right' an expression used in political affinity, which is teasing him as he would never admit it. I'll go back to tits and bums

My mate just asked me, "if you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have only 3 records, what would they be?" I said, "The long distance swimming one would be a good one to start off with!"

Pete is it the angle the photo is taken from??, but your tree appears to be leaning to the right???? What do you think @MikeB

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?", says the hippie. "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!" "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

Know any good Dick Doctors ?????? Asking for a friend

Without his spectacles??

And you used to love me ? That's it you're out of the harem

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Oh we noticed, but as usual I was discreet, be careful Queenie or you'll be next girl

'The front desk and check out ladies make sure all needs are met'? That's our type of cathouse boys ????

I am, I learned to read years ago mate

Some really strange posts in the fallen member memorial @loaderXI???

While examining his patient, the doctor tells her:"Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble. "The lady started taking off her panties.....Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue.

One name I suspected, as he had a long trail of ill health, and I noticed he's been absent for a long time, but here's hoping @DEEJAYKEG you still with us buddy??

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.......

Secretly you're a masochist, and Rob is the whip??

Chap in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few.... Notices two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so he asks : "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?" One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!" So, the chap immediately apologised and said... "So sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

Aw what a lovely thought, well done mate

Bollocks, the most famous beer in the world has to be Guinness, in far far more countries than Budweiser

Irish Furniture Dealer. Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find. He visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night." Archie nods approvingly. "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock. "A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?" "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white." If you don't get it ask Sharpe to translate