RobMc

He was a great comedian

As Sunderland now lead Man City in the Tables lets hope it stays that way @monkie The Iraqi Footballer Pep Guardiola flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to England. Two weeks later City are 4-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for City. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in Premiership football. 'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me ˆ the fans, the media they all adore me'. 'Wonderful', says his Mum, 'let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, he's in hospital; your sister and I were ambushed, beaten and our bags stolen, our car is on bricks and the tyres gone, your brother has joined a gang of drug users; and all the while you were having such a great time'. The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' explodes his Mum. 'It's your fault we moved to Manchester in the first place'!!

FFS Kapt IT'S A JOKE

He needs a new girlfriend

???? this was her request in the shoutbox?? just keeping her happy, wtf this has to do with AI and apps is beyond me, I'm just a poor psychologist eh??

The things we do for you @Icequeen

Drive thru cashpoint machines Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "drive thru" cashpoint machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that refers to your own circumstances (Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the machine for the 1st time. MALE PROCEDURE. 1) Drive up to cash machine. 2) Wind down your car window. 3) Insert card into machine and enter pin. 4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5) Wind up window. 6) Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE. 1) Drive up to cash machine. 2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to cash machine. 3) Restart the stalled engine. 4) Wind down the window. 5) Find handbag,remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 6) Turn the radio down. 7) Attempt to insert card into cash machine. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car. 9) Insert card. 10) Re-insert card the right way up. 11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 12) Enter PIN 13) Press cancel and re-enter PIN 14) Enter amount of cash required. 15) Check make up in rear view mirror. 16) Retrieve cash and receipt. 17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 18) Place receipt in back of cheque book. 19) Recheck make up again. 20) Drive forward 2 metres. 21) Reverse back to cash machine. 22) Retrieve card 23) Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into slot provided. 24) Restart stalled engine and proceed. 25) Drive for 2-3 miles. 26) Release handbrake.

Letter in a motorcycle magazine :- Dear All. I have never written to you before but I really need your advice. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating. The usual signs; phone rings and if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot & when I ask the names it's "you don't know them", I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight I hid in the garage behind my Harley so as to get a good view of the whole street when she came home from her night out with the girls. When she got out of the car I noticed the steamed up windows, and she was buttoning her blouse which was open, she then took her pants out of her purse and slipped them on glancing at our windows. It was at that moment as I crouched behind my motorbike that I noticed it, a hairline crack on the frame, is this something I can fix myself or do you think I should take it back to the garage? Thanks in advance

Oh don't you worry Pete, I've got a great spot for you

She'd be traumatised if I was hung like one ? Or knowing Queenie perhaps not??

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2025/02/09/albanian-criminal-deportation-halted-over-chicken-nuggets/ One of many many examples, all paid for by the UK taxpayer legal fees, 5 star hotels, food and spending money, just today we deported a convicted criminal, illegally here and gave him £2000 as an incentive not to come back.

They say it's their ancestral home?? our immigration problems are off the map??

You know we'd do anything for you @Icequeen ?

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'8'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. 'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. . 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.' 'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.' I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK' I replied. Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!' Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ ' "Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!! She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Arse : Have you ever felt such a perfect cunt?' 'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

Mines around 6 inches (in my dreams)

a man is pulled over on the motorway for speeding, the cop approaches the car "Do you know you went from doing 70mph to over 120mph there when we were following you, what kind of reason could you have for such a crazy speed?" The man starts to shake his head and replies " About three months ago the wife and me were going thru a really bad patch, I found out she was seeing some one else, he was a traffic cop" The officer looks on compassionately and says, "so did the sight of our car in your mirrors bring back terrible memories?" Hell no says the man, I thought he was bringing her back !!

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do..' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for forty years.'

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Jack, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'. The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?' 'Off to England next month,' says Jack. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees. 'Ah, England!' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...' Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says Jack. 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.' 'So why keep going to England?' asks the landlord. 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself". The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?" "No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff. When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?" "Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?" "Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before." "I know", he said, "but the darts team hasn't"!

Bedtime it is, wife says that's fine How does a Union leader begin to read his kids stories at bedtime?? 'Once upon a time and a half'

If I were a dirty old man I'd type bedtime story ??? What would you like dear on the 13th? a bedtime story???

First paragraph, but don't worry all will get their turn

Erasumus Shuttlecock opened his eyes slowly and grudgingly, he didn’t want the dream to go away. Last night he had wiped the floor with Pink, P3nhead, Fry,Sharpe and all the other wannabe great players in COD4. He was now the greatest player Ftag had ever seen. This completed the set, he’d already headed the field in COD2 and WAW, surely now they would bestow on him the ultimate honour, to join the clan and eventually oust the Seniors and reign supreme in the world of gaming. After all he was a young 47, still living with mam and dad, but with years of gaming ahead of him, to which his life was dedicated. Occasionally he longed for a girlfriend you didn’t have to inflate, but hey ho, every great player makes sacrifices don’t they? Besides which he knew she loved him judging by the squeaks and hisses when he kissed her. The only drawback was that he knew everyone hated him, even more than that Robmc, and boy was he hated. That was the problem, you had to get asked and no one would talk to him, they all faked stealth mode now when he played. The man who had asked Robmc all those years ago had been punished by wandering around in limbo, looking for someone to play with, R.I.P. Beers. No one would risk asking him to join, they’d be fed to Piglo in an instant, a fate worse than playing all morning with MajBasil, they wouldn’t risk that? He could join Essssieeee, Dot and Bio on their Ftag server, but he knew what happened to those getting close to Essssieeee by Rob, no on second thoughts MajBasil would be a preferable fate. So how to do it?? And then he had a thought?? How about if I married into the Clan?? Brilliant, couldn’t refuse me then, might even make some tiny idiots for Piglo to feed on. He looked through the members section, picturing the wedding already, surrounded by gamers, headsets on and frantic with energy, wait until she saw his joystick, it was a done deal. They could honeymoon at the next conference, now who should he choose?? Better start at the top he thought :- Gatorgirl, risky?, I’d have to contend with her Texan cowboy bodyguard, armed to the teeth WldPenguin, possible, but too much competition in game, sexy voice distracting Sally, a definite probable love her ftag server, would mean changes in my gaming Ausigirl, too far away to return to Mam and Dad if things went ‘tit’s up’. CrazyGirl, the name puts me off AthenaA, Lovely lady but I don’t speak French, already has loads of kids Essssieeee?, no chance of getting between Rob and Bio, they’d destroy me with prose or germs Moving down to members it hit me like a SledgeHammer, how did I miss her, the perfect woman for me. ICEQUEEN, it ‘s so obvious, a quiet homely girl, not wild like the others, demure, quiet and deadly with a ‘weapon’, especially the larger ones. I’ll PM her a.s.a.p. with my proposal, how could she resist? I’ll let you know who’s invited to the wedding. Soon I’ll be an Idiot, just like all my friends

A rugby player is drinking in a London bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders around of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Rugby player just shrugs and replies, that's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a big strong rugby player and play for England . Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!' The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's real ale, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says: 'Had him circumcised...'

Mrs Dunn heard that Paddy was going to London. She popped along to see him, and asked if he would look up her daughter Nellie, as she went to London 2 years ago, and other than a postcard, had no contact. Sure, said Paddy, whats her address? Well, said Mrs Dunn, we only got a postcard, and its marked WC2. OK said Paddy, consider it done. So he arrives in London, and needs a piss, so he goes into the gents, and see's a row of doors marked WC1, WC2, WC3 etc. Wow struck lucky he says, and goes up the the door marked WC2 and bangs on the door. What do ya want? a voice calls out. Paddy says, are you Nellie Dunn? And the voice comes back, well I would be but I have no paper. So Paddy shouts WELL THATS NO FUCKING EXCUSE FOR NOT WRITING TO YOUR MA FOR THE LAST 2 YEARS.