RobMc

How many do you have before the beautiful pictures begin appearing Dot?

Yep, must have been the 'Kiss' of death?

No, always drunk

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her handbag And tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller And without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....just great.... Some arsehole's got my pen!'

And you think we hadn't guessed that??

That horse is amazing

Which ones tasted the best???

You are

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula............. "Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Especially for @BUDMAN, XI mitts now on sale in the shop, proceeds to his nominated charity Alcoholics Anonymous, where he is a lifelong trustee.

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?" I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." She replied "You're having soup, *** hole. I was talking to the cat!"

In my dreams?

Jan, Sue and Icequeen haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Icequeen walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a a very beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix. Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida. Icequeen explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama. Icequeen confesses that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Be a nice surprise around Christmas

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull , Florida and anywhere in Wales

Saw a mate crying his eyes out, outside the doctors yesterday so i asked if he was ok, he said he'd just had terrible news........he had the big C. I said cancer ??? He said No.....Dyslexia.

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow! Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.

He only hangs out like you in the best jointz

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to Go home. The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, So he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!' 'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that Said.. 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos (Lifesavers across the pond). He gave all the children the same kind of Polo/Lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say: 'Red............cherry,' 'Yellow.........lemon,' 'Green............lime,' 'Orange ........orange.' Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos/Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. 'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled: 'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!'

That's my boy buddy, stay indoors practicing your tenons and dovetails, in minus 40, keeps you warm, do you live in that tree??

You have used the same youtube video in two posts now one after the other Kapt?