RobMc

TBB rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says TBB, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'

Budman was staggering home with a small bottle in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

Old Sean O'Farrell, the kingpin of the Irish mob in Boston, is on his deathbed. He calls his grandson to his side and tells the lad, "Paddy, I'm going to leave you my chrome plated 38 revolver so that you will always remember me." "But grandpa", lamented Paddy, "I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?" Grandpa O'Farrell reaches up and pulls Paddy closer to him and says, "You listen to me carefully. Someday you are going to be the head of the organization. Someday you are going to have lots of money, a big home and a beautiful wife. And maybe someday you are going to come home and find your wife in the torrid embrace of another man. What are you going to do then? Point at your watch and say, 'Times up!'?"

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back Of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman Remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags my Dear those are your tits." She which she replied , "No point asking about the beard then.!!.....

Little @baldie was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little @baldie said, "Oh, right." Satisfied with the answer he went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later @baldie came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Rob's mum wants to talk to you."

An American tourist in Dublin decided to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wandered around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he found himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately Georgian residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. After all those pints he really, really had to go. Soon he found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his problem. As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by Police Officer Murphy, who said, "What might you be doing?" "I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Right," said Officer Murphy, " follow me". He led him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opened. "In there," pointed the officer. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." The American entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he had the cop's blessing, he unburdened himself and was greatly relieved. As he went back through the gate, he said to the officer, "That was really decent of you...is that what you call "Irish Hospitality?" "No sir," replied Officer Murphy, "that is what we call the English Embassy".

The teacher asked little Rugger if he knew his numbers. “Yes,” Rugger replied. “My dad taught me.” “Good. What number comes after three?” “Four,” answered Rugger. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” said the teacher. “Your father did a good job. What comes after 10?” “Jack, Queen, and King.” Now don't forget that next time in Vegas

Perhaps a bit too far for Rob ???

Oh boy, do you have issues

You cutting back on men nowadays Queenie??

I got mortal drunk last night, didn't know where I was, woke up this morning with a splitting headache in this filthy bed stinking of piss. Next to me was this enormous fat woman snoring her head off, foul breath, hairy armpits and an unwiped arse. Thank God I said, at least I made it home

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. ‘First body: @Biotech from Belgium, 50, died of heart failure while drinking vintage champagne and eating foie gras. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,’ says the coroner. ‘Second body: @BUDMAN from Florida, 65, won $100,000 on the lottery, spent it all on Bud Light. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’ The inspector asks, ‘What of the third body?’ ‘Ah,’ says the coroner. ‘This is the most unusual one: @TBB from New Jersey, 80, struck by lightning.’ ‘Why is he smiling then?’ enquires the inspector. ‘He thought he was having his photo taken.’

And there is the problem with the world, people don't talk or reason, their beliefs are always right, even if the vast majority think they are wrong, ever been thus.

Last night in my usual drunken state before retiring I clicked on a comment by Basil and giving my usual type of reply, COMPLETELY MISSING THAT THE POST WAS ABOUT 9/11. My sincere apologies to all, it was unintentional and I see it has rightfully been removed, Rob hangs his head in shame, forgive me.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife sir?" I answered "Yes." They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said "I know, but she's a great cook and she's good with the kids."

Usually both, encouraged by our new Deputy Prime Minister who thinks men can grow a cervix and the successor to Henry the eighth was Henry the seventh, we're in safe hands.

Molly is a cute and inquisitive four-year-old girl. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out the wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so Daddy. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?"

Key was already drunk when he walked into the pub and after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. Key immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no-good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," Key muttered, "you even sound exactly like Dot?."

In Scotland, a recent survey of women, who had been married for ten years or more had the following results. Eighty percent thought their bum was too fat. Fifteen percent of married women said their bum was too thin. The remining five percent said they didn’t care; they would have married him anyway.

A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra. Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose. Man: Why not? Doctor: Because it's not safe. Man: But I need it really bad. Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly? Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose. The doctor finally relented. Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects. On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling. Doctor: Good God! What happened to you? Man: No one showed up. For you TBB

Katie, Kathy and Colleen were sitting together in their retirement home, reminiscing about the good old days when they were much younger. Katie recalled going shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. Kathy nodded in agreement, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper back then, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. Colleen, who is stone deaf, remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.” Bet Dot likes this one?

One last thing Mike (besides you once said you'd keep a bed for me) there is serious talk about some of the most persecuted citizens seeking asylum in the USA, did anyone ever think we would get to that??? Anyway no more as I'm not in the political column now, this will be the last.

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet. An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow'. The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees,but still nothing'. The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open'.

A man had an accident whilst at his work bench and thought he should phone his wife. "Hello dear. I'm afraid I've chopped off one of my fingers." "What! The whole finger?" "No. The one next to it."

Brilliant love it