RobMc

When I finally die Essssiee I'll try to die quietly in my sleep just like my old grandad Unlike his passengers who were screaming

I'm 90

Get your hair cut, and are you too drunk to use two fingers now??

Counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a green envelope containing $1000 in cash. It happened week after week. One Sunday he watched as the offering was collected and saw little old Mrs. Doyle put the distinctive green envelope in the plate. After the service, he approached her and said, “Mrs. Doyle, I couldn't help notice that you regularly put $1,000 a week in the collection plate.” "Why yes," she replied. "Every week me son Rob sends me cash, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" Mrs. Doyle replied, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "Rob is a veterinarian." "That is an honourable profession," the pastor said. "Where does Rob practice?" Mrs. Doyle said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

The TBB asked old man Budman on his 69th birthday the secrets to his longevity. Budman replied, "For better digestion I drink beer. In case of appetite loss I drink white wine. In case of low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the event of high blood pressure I drink whiskey. When I have a cold I drink bourbon.” TBB was amazed and inquired, "When do you drink water?" "I don't." responded Budman, "I've never been that sick

A man and woman in their thirties meet on a dating site, fall in love and get married. They’re on their honeymoon and lying by the pool, all of a sudden the man gets up, folds his towel and lays it on his sunbed. He strolls to the high board, climbs it and runs to the end jumping into the air and doing a reverse 4 1/2 somersault in the pike position, entering the water without a ripple. He nonchalantly returns to his sunbed, picks up his towel and lies down, seeing his new wife staring at him he tells her he used to be an Olympic gold diving champion. Without a word she stands up, folds her towel, places it on her sunbed and dives into the pool and swims 400 lengths. Getting out she returns to her sunbed and lies down, ‘wow’ were you an Olympic champion too he asks? No, she replies, ‘I was a prostitute in Liverpool and I worked both sides of the river’

CEO of a multi-national corporation was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional vice-president. He included a simple test to help him to select the most suitable person for the job. During the interviews, he asked each applicant the following question, “How much is two and two?” The first applicant was an Englishman. His answer to the question was “twenty-two”. The second applicant was a German. He established the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was an American. He stated that the US Supreme Court has ruled two and two to be four. The last applicant was an Irishman. The CEO asked Paddy, “How much is two and two?” Paddy got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it. He then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and in a low voice asked the CEO, “How much do you want it to be?”

Was in Ikea the other day looking for a new Iron Maiden and I lost the wife, spotted this beautiful girl looking at beds, so I moved across to her, 'mind if I talk to you for a while' I said. 'Why?' she replied, 'well it's just that whenever I talk to a beautiful girl like you my wife miraculously appears'

Was the ring still intact?? or had the precious been taken by the Orcs in the key swapping ceremony??

Sorry buddy my gaming days are over

I'll bet you would Dutch, nice one (even though most won't get it) Still flying ???

A 50-year-old billionaire walks into a pub with his 25-year-old girlfriend. His buddy asked him how he managed to get a girl half his age. The billionaire replied, “I lied about my age.” His friend asked, “You told her you were 40?” No said the billionaire, “I told her I was 90.”

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!” Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”

A Ducati mechanic ( Royalty of all Trades) dies in a road accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Ducati mechanic (Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Ducati mechanic the Royalty of all Trades" "Congratulations for what????" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The Ducati mechanic (Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." "That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "When was I born?" "Yesterday?" I replied.

Thanks Kapt, that ruined the joke for most of you then?

A newlywed goes on his honeymoon and wants to give his new bride a honeymoon to remember, he takes with him some liquid Viagra to ensure he doesn't fail in consummating the marriage. After a steamy session the first night he switches out the light and reaches for the Viagra, but by mistake grabs a bottle of Tippex and drinks it, he awakens the next morning to the largest correction he's ever had.

Hi Ghostie, my very old mate, great to see you're ok and happy

Selling my dogging gear on Ebay, no bids but hundreds watching The old ones still get a laugh

No still alive and well (fairly) good to see you're mostly all good too, but like any sensible old man I'm making preparations. Just today I told my family to scatter my ashes in front of the fridge

Oh my lovely, were it not for that man in the green dress I would never have left you, I hope Bio appreciates that?

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.' Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy. Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.' Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.' Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his frickin wife.' I thought my new girlfriend might be "the one" but after looking thru her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit ,a French maids outfit and a policewomans uniform I've dumped her. She obviously can't hold down a f@@king job ! I asked 100 women at the Leisure Centre what shampoo they used whilst showering? 95% replied " what the f@@k are you doing in here? !"

Did someone say 'Dogging????'

A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him. Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?" "Cardiff, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ." "You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

We'll keep it between us dear, he'll never suspect, too busy getting shot and looking at germs