RobMc

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant. Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him. Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Dave: - Oh? What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home? Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Dave: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden. Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family? Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Dave: - Yep! Five times a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often? Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate! Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Dave: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate. Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Stuart: - What's that then? Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Stuart: - Nope. Dave: - Well then, you're a :wanker:.

Man passes a begger in the street, Begger says 'any change mate?' Man says 'no, iv still got a big house and a nice car'

The only Hood is Robin Hood, steals from the rich and gives to the poor, unlike the fucking dealer

15 year old boy comes down stairs wearing his best suit and carrying a torch, his dad asks where you going dressed like that and carrying a torch lad says I'm going courting, so dad sits him down and tells him how he used to go out courting, but he said he never took a torch, lad looks up at him and says 'yeah and look what you bloody ended up with' ?

He was a great comedian

As Sunderland now lead Man City in the Tables lets hope it stays that way @monkie The Iraqi Footballer Pep Guardiola flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to England. Two weeks later City are 4-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for City. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in Premiership football. 'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me ˆ the fans, the media they all adore me'. 'Wonderful', says his Mum, 'let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, he's in hospital; your sister and I were ambushed, beaten and our bags stolen, our car is on bricks and the tyres gone, your brother has joined a gang of drug users; and all the while you were having such a great time'. The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' explodes his Mum. 'It's your fault we moved to Manchester in the first place'!!

FFS Kapt IT'S A JOKE

He needs a new girlfriend

???? this was her request in the shoutbox?? just keeping her happy, wtf this has to do with AI and apps is beyond me, I'm just a poor psychologist eh??

The things we do for you @Icequeen

Drive thru cashpoint machines Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "drive thru" cashpoint machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that refers to your own circumstances (Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the machine for the 1st time. MALE PROCEDURE. 1) Drive up to cash machine. 2) Wind down your car window. 3) Insert card into machine and enter pin. 4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5) Wind up window. 6) Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE. 1) Drive up to cash machine. 2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to cash machine. 3) Restart the stalled engine. 4) Wind down the window. 5) Find handbag,remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 6) Turn the radio down. 7) Attempt to insert card into cash machine. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car. 9) Insert card. 10) Re-insert card the right way up. 11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 12) Enter PIN 13) Press cancel and re-enter PIN 14) Enter amount of cash required. 15) Check make up in rear view mirror. 16) Retrieve cash and receipt. 17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 18) Place receipt in back of cheque book. 19) Recheck make up again. 20) Drive forward 2 metres. 21) Reverse back to cash machine. 22) Retrieve card 23) Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into slot provided. 24) Restart stalled engine and proceed. 25) Drive for 2-3 miles. 26) Release handbrake.

Letter in a motorcycle magazine :- Dear All. I have never written to you before but I really need your advice. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating. The usual signs; phone rings and if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot & when I ask the names it's "you don't know them", I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight I hid in the garage behind my Harley so as to get a good view of the whole street when she came home from her night out with the girls. When she got out of the car I noticed the steamed up windows, and she was buttoning her blouse which was open, she then took her pants out of her purse and slipped them on glancing at our windows. It was at that moment as I crouched behind my motorbike that I noticed it, a hairline crack on the frame, is this something I can fix myself or do you think I should take it back to the garage? Thanks in advance

Oh don't you worry Pete, I've got a great spot for you

She'd be traumatised if I was hung like one ? Or knowing Queenie perhaps not??

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2025/02/09/albanian-criminal-deportation-halted-over-chicken-nuggets/ One of many many examples, all paid for by the UK taxpayer legal fees, 5 star hotels, food and spending money, just today we deported a convicted criminal, illegally here and gave him £2000 as an incentive not to come back.

They say it's their ancestral home?? our immigration problems are off the map??

You know we'd do anything for you @Icequeen ?

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'8'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. 'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. . 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.' 'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.' I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK' I replied. Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!' Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ ' "Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!! She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Arse : Have you ever felt such a perfect cunt?' 'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

Mines around 6 inches (in my dreams)

a man is pulled over on the motorway for speeding, the cop approaches the car "Do you know you went from doing 70mph to over 120mph there when we were following you, what kind of reason could you have for such a crazy speed?" The man starts to shake his head and replies " About three months ago the wife and me were going thru a really bad patch, I found out she was seeing some one else, he was a traffic cop" The officer looks on compassionately and says, "so did the sight of our car in your mirrors bring back terrible memories?" Hell no says the man, I thought he was bringing her back !!

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do..' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for forty years.'

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Jack, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'. The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?' 'Off to England next month,' says Jack. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees. 'Ah, England!' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...' Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says Jack. 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.' 'So why keep going to England?' asks the landlord. 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself". The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?" "No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff. When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?" "Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?" "Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before." "I know", he said, "but the darts team hasn't"!

Bedtime it is, wife says that's fine How does a Union leader begin to read his kids stories at bedtime?? 'Once upon a time and a half'

If I were a dirty old man I'd type bedtime story ??? What would you like dear on the 13th? a bedtime story???