STARPICKET

If you think you have problems and challenges in your life just remember that there are people who live in impoverished and dilapidated places in the third world. Where they struggle with the basic living standards in life. Like good food, clean water and a low life expectancy... Spare a thought, this morning, for people living in... Glasgow.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
"It tell me somebody stole tent."
 

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what ! !
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' 
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked. 
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said. 
'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right.You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! 
You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lmao...

I remember my kids seeing themselves for the first time...LOL

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothin. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor? "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

They posted his baby picture at the town hall and he was laughed out of town .........................

A little girl is visiting the zoo with her parents, she leans over the lion enclosure and in an instant a lion grabs her collar and drags her into the enclosure, pinning her down and preparing for the kill, everyone is screaming.
A biker, visiting the zoo, leaps into the enclosure, punches the lion on the snout and drags the child to safety.
A press reporter from the Guardian witnesses it all, sensing a good story he rushes over to the biker who is being thanked by the grateful parents
'That was one of the bravest things I have ever seen', said the reporter, 'what do you do and whats your political leaning' ??
Well I'm proud to be British the biker replies, I vote Conservative, voted for Brexit and am a decorated veteran, having served in Iraq
Next days headlines
 
' Right Wing Extremist Assaults Immigrant And Steals Their Food'

King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.
“This is no good, Merlin!” the King exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I’m on a long quest?”
“Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. “You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours.”
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

A man named Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.