1) Tomorrow is the “National Home-school Tornado Drill.” Lock your
kids in the basement until you get the all clear. You’re welcome!
2) I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone.
He asked me what I was wearing?
3) 2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.
4) The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the
house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
5) You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by
people home-schooled by day drinkers…
6) This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all
sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
7) Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood!
Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
8) Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better,
get fit, and stay healthy. BUT we’re quarantined! Who are we trying to
impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
9) Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why
I chew up the furniture!”
10) I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6
foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
11) ME: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
ALEXA: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
12) I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”
13) When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers
or AA?
14) Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day
looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers.
And we get really excited about car rides.