Seeing as how there seem to be a lot of Golf jokes these days

[NickTheGrip]

Here's a couple for you

 

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. 

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. 

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." 

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

 

 

 

A woman golfer suffers a terrible bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.
"What happened" asked the doctor.
"I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.
The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!

 

 

 

Off the seventh tee, Brian sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Brian shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

 

 

 

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long" Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

 

 

Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers"

O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!

 

 

 

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

 

 

A guy gets a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death.
"We were on the third hole," the widower relates.
"My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up."
The coroner replies That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum"
"Oh," says the man, "that was my provisional."

 

 

 

 

Steve Wonder and Tiger Woods cross paths at a popular meeting place. Woods turns to Wonder and asks, "How's the singing career going" Steve Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf" Tiger Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." 

Steve Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." 

Tiger Woods says, "You play golf" 

Steve Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." 

And Tiger Woods asks, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind" 

Steve Wonder replies, "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." 

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger Woods. 

"Well," replies Steve Wonder, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hold and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." 

Tiger Woods then asks, "What's your handicap" 

Steve Wonder says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." 

Tiger Woods, incredulous, says to Steve Wonder, "We've got to play a round sometime." 

Steve Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less then $10,000 a hold." 

Tiger Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that. When would you like to play" 

Steve Wonder says, "Pick a night!"

[Merlin007]

Good 1's Nick.  The 4th one cracked me up.

[RD]

these were absolutely great man. Thanks a bunch for putting them up

[baldie]

Bill comes to work speaking in a hoarse voice. Ralph asks him what happened to his voice. He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced his ball out of bounds and into a pasture.

However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stuck in the back end of the cow.

He lifted up the cow's tail and called out, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?"

That's when she hit him in the throat with a 3 iron.

[PimpedOutPete]

good one Nick..

[baldie]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.

 

Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." 

 

With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

 

Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

 

With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"

[WolfTiS]

LMAO, good ones Nick. You to baldie even though you hijacked his post...

[TBB]

Funny stuff Nick - thanks