Ouch

[RobMc]

Garda Murphy sees a little old lady walking down a Dublin street, dragging two plastic garbage bags. While he is watching her, he observes that there is a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a €20 note flies out of it onto the pavement. As she goes to pass him, the policeman stops her. “Excuse me ma’am, but did you know there are €20 notes falling out of that bag?” “Dear me!” says the little old lady. “I had better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning officer.” “Well now, not so fast. How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?” “Oh, no,” says the little old lady. “You see me back garden backs up to the stadium parking area. After each hurling match or football game, a lot of fans come and pee in me hedges, right into me flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big set of hedge clippers, and say, ‘€20 or off it comes!'” “Fair play!” laughs the officer. “Well good luck. By the way, what’s in the other bag?” “Oh that,” the little old lady replies, “not all of them pay.”

[TBB]

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?”
The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to
the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,

“Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”
The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”

“Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go
back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered.
“Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!” he says.

The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”
This time the Englishman is really mad!

“Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, I’ll Chop his
willie right off, I will!” he shouts.
“You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t
have willies.”

“How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.
 

[GhostfaceJim]

Haha!

[RobMc]

Newlyweds, Mick and Maura, were on their way to Dublin to spend a few days in the “big city” for their honeymoon. Maura, who was a shy country girl, was a bit embarrassed that people might see that they were honeymooners. So, when she and her husband pulled into the station and got off the train, Maura asked Mick if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a while. Mick responded, “Sure now darling. You carry the suitcases!”

[TBB]

Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to get cancer?”

“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true?”

“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“Yep.” “And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.” But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’. . .

What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with.

[TBB]

• Paddy went to the Doc’s today. And said, “do you treat alcoholics”, The Dr replied, “of course we do”………Paddy said, “great, get your coat on; I’m feckin skint
• The barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty; fancy another one?” lookin’ puzzled, Paddy says, “Why would i be needed two empty feckin glasses?”
• Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like most to be with you?”
  
  “My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.
  
  “What’s so special about him?” asks Mary.
  “He’s got a boat,” says Paddy
• “Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.” It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!” I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.” Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”

[TBB]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant knows nothing about golf and greets him in a typical Irish manner, utterly unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin’ to yer, Sir,” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are dose? asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything