RobMc

Bring your own parrot??

A gypsy girl is about to get married, her mum says to her "Emerald you do realise when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you urinate" The daughter replies "Shut up ma how the hells he going to fit his transit van in the sink".

Actually I spent my entire lifetime avoiding London, I like my own country and London is certainly not that, I would say stay well clear of it, and a lot of Brits would agree. Any of you tourist types be very careful where you go, do not wear watches or use expensive phones, crime is off the map.

A man went to Harley Street, London and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read : "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist...... You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Manchester " "My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man. "No sir" she answered, "that's where the end of the queue is."

Dray that's awful

That sounds horrendous mate, fingers crossed all goes well

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.' 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?' 'Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.........God!I miss him!!! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!' 'Good,' said the lawyer, 'but, why?' 'Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!'

Never stopped there but passed through it dozens of times, it is steeped in history because of it's location, however disappointingly not one premise sells maple syrup, take your own.

Yea but we don't really smoke meat over here, perhaps I could ask my carpenter buddy @jointz to give me some ideas how to build one, I'm sure he smokes too??

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking an sex if he wants to get into heaven! A week goes past and God visits the man to see how he is getting on. "Not bad" says the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the freezer I just had to take her there and then"! "They don't like that in heaven" replies God.. The man says "They're not too happy about it in Asda either, we're banned"

Guess none of you cook??

Nice Key, how about this?? Legi want's to buy a bike He doesn't want a car or trike He's viewed them all from Brest to Dover Lets hope he's lucky with his leg over (Isn't that what all men want? to sit astride their bike) Queenie banish those thoughts right now

Something you want to tell me and @Essssieeee Bio ????????

???????????? That's it, pistols at dawn, I challenge you to a duel, pistols or swords? I'll be using an AK 47

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear granddaughter, the other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Will write again soon. Love, Grandma.

Yes you idiot lol

Warning, warning through experience, if you look at too many bikes by the time you decide which ones for you it's been sold. If you see what you want and it fits what you want buy it

Essie only has eyes for Rob Bio you know that?

My God 50 years ago, when we both had hair on our heads, not ears and nostrils

Whoops forgot about @piglo

Fantastic, you've got real talent, I mean it it's really good, is it you singing?

Two Aussies on a plane for a lads fortnight in Singapore, Fred and Tony, Fred's a bit deaf. The Captain announces after take off "drinks will be shortly served by the cabin staff". The Fred asks "wos he say mate ? " Tony replies "tinnies up" ! While later the Captain announces " your evening 4 course meal will now be served". "Wos he say Tony ? " "Tuckers up" ! As they approach landing the Captain says " We will be shortly landing in Bangkok, for those of you on a gentlemans holiday we must advise you 70% of the prostitutes here have HIV or syphilis the remaining 30% have tuberculosis" Wos he say Tony ? "Only screw the ones that cough !"

One day a man decided to retire...~.~* He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

Lost in translation, a common Christmas saying in UK is, ' eat, drink and be merry' Try it again

Yea but pulled pork isn't a quick meal, have to investigate corn meal don't think they have it here?