RobMc

If we ever meet I'll show you my ultra sharp dagger Queenie, I carry it in my pocket, but be careful trying it, you may feel a little prick?

Working For the Government. A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever worked for the public service before?" "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles". The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day." The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know" "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

There was this petrol station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "free sex." Soon a regular customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, No, you were close, the number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time." Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill up, and again asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, Sorry, it was 3. You were close again but no free sex this time". As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think the game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No its not rigged - my wife won twice last week."

Little boy gets home from school and says ... "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do." As they sit, they hear a pushcart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs..' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"

I'm amazed you knew, thank you Dot xxxooo

I was in Asda the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young guy pushing his trolley. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Strewth Sheila, run out of camels??

When I was a kid my dad used to let me put my pocket money in a special money box under the stairs I was fifteen before I found out it was the fecking gas meter!

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. Love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever.... Which is odd because she's never been interested in darts before?

Drink, party, flirt, not bathe, be little boys, be rich and be bored?

My pet mouse named Elvis died yesterday. He was caught in a trap

I have a little Satnav It sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver's friend It tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav I've had it all my life It’s better than the normal ones My Satnav is my wife. It gives me full instructions Especially how to drive "It's thirty miles an hour", it says "You're doing thirty five". It tells me when to stop and start And when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever Safe to overtake. It tells me when a light is red And when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front And all those to the rear And taking this into account It specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver Has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car It still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling Each journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it And get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed, It washes all my shirts and things And - keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages And my tendency to scoff, I do wish that once in a while I could turn the damned thing off!

Get ahead in life, don't wipe it - kiss it

Yes you are oooxxx

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.' I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it....

Yea the DLC's can be expensive, and they always leave a few out, ,although to be fair they include most in the initial purchase. For us older gamers they are excellent value for money and you don't need a super computer or 105" monitor with backup generator to power. The biggest advantage is all these games can be played on modern OS's never had one hiccup on any of them on my Atari ST 1mb

Tip, if you like a game but don't need it immediately keep revisiting and looking at it, sometimes (but not always) they reduce the price to almost nothing.

For ONCE I daren't comment

Come on, where and when will he respawn??

A father was looking for the latest Barbie for his daughter's collection. He found an Astronaut Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $565.95. The amazed father asks the salesperson : "Why is the Divorced Barbie $565.95 and the others only $19.95?" The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir.., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made of Ken's balls."

Texting for the over sixties. The kids have their sms codes, like bff, wtf, lol etc So here are some codes for the more mature. ATD - at the doctors, BFF - best friends funeral, BTW - bring the wheelchair, FWIW- forgot where i was, GGPBL -got to go pacemaker battery low. GHA - got heartburn again, HGBM - had good bowel movement, IMHO - is my hearing aid on. WAITT - who am I talking to, GGLKI - got to go laxative kicking in, IPMSA - I've pissed myself again.

I've seen your 'babes', most of them wear dentures

You want to play old games??? well this is where Rob went, no screaming, no hackers, no go to spec just you and good old AI. My favourites Way of the Hunter and Cossacks, and just so cheap you don't believe it Welcome to GOG.com | best PC games DRM-free

Subject: The little paper bag. A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. 'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag. 'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.' The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. ‘What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag. 'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor. 'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag. 'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor. 'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!' 'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor. 'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!' 'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor. 'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!' 'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?' 'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!' 'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor . . . 'Your mother must have been a carrier'