RobMc

You the father ?

Hey the midwife may have smacked my dad, but I am still allowed out [under supervision] at Christmas without my mask. Look forward to whipping it off in the local park at first opportunity, ah the Christmassie sound of sirens?

Is it a gimp mask?? You sending me one ?

FFS that's like saying I'll send you a bottle of rum when we harvest the sugar ??

Hmmm? did not think this the least bit funny, I might have done when I was 6?

Foreplay

Speaking from our time inside together ??? xxx

I love their eyes lol.

A Scotsman ???? true Sharpe and Duffy will kill me now lol.

I'm kinda worried if he doesn't like me what 'banana' he'll stick in the mix?

No no no, you play HIDE every game

Hey now?, as the chief Snowflake and self appointed moral guardian of the idiots, this opens a can of worms. Encouraging foxhunting is the slippery slope to worse things, ffs we'll be killing people in play next?? As a snowflake I consider any form of hunting barbaric, could we not have something like 'find the corn cob?', fuck no, I've just remembered recent research suggests plants have feelings, so that's out. How about replacing the noble fox with a trout?, I realise we could only play in the rain, but right now it's pissing down here, you could float a whale? The term 'hunters' I'm afraid is now considered politically incorrect, seekers may be a more acceptable option. I do hope there is no violence in this game, us idiots are gentle souls and completely unaffected by Tourettes. Sounds fucking ace

Hey buddy, you deserve a reward for all of your delicious recipes, so as a Crissie pressie I've promised the local 'pride' a special treat. I'll pm a voucher for a visit to your local lions for an experience of a lifetime (cut short), just ring and turn up, preferably around feeding time. It's right up your street, providing someone with a delicious meal, they are salivating at the thought of your visit, and have a request, wear minimal clothing so they don't waste time. Don't thank me now buddy, just remember that will. Enjoy

Yea, FU @BUDMAN

No he's not ?

@YACCster

FFS you live in an army barracks ? they're getting bigger every time

Dot dear turn OIL upside down

It was the blonde asking if she could buy a 710 cap at the garage as she'd lost hers? OIL

How to Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers (if you can find them). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed. How to Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey!! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower. Wash bollocks and the surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror. Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel,grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's clothes.

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way Instructions on how to clean your toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP..... 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, who cleans up and who has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women never meet each other.

Bout time you did too fckr ?

Ostrich ?????