RobMc

Yea, I've put weight on since then ?

The following are all replies that women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms (names removed). I especially like the last one!! 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. 8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart!

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange but I ignored it. However, when the drinks waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I looked around the room and saw that all the waiters had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order, I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Consultants At Large, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and, while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the lavatory." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of... you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the lavatory by 76.39%." "Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Have You Noticed.pps

Hammer ?, every idiot will be wondering this, is your wife really clever ??????

Irish Aviation As they approached the Dublin air field, the tower heard: PILOT - Bejeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is? CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings I ever did, Shamus. CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !! PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go'put de engines in reverse !! CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !! PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down full !! CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat too, Paddy !! PILOT - An den stomp an der brakes as hard as ye can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!! CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, Paddy, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can. So, as the wheels touched the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stomped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all of his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, as they untangled themselves from the overhead baggage and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop just a few meters from the end of the runway!!! As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!" Shamus replied: "Yes, Paddy, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"

Last time we tried it only me Beers and Ricko played? most didn't like the maps but ctf is great with lots of players.

Nice, how many eyes you got ?????

Thank you for this evidence information, you will shortly receive a request from a buddy, a Nigerian prince who needs to get his millions out of the country. All you need to do to earn your share is transfer $10,0000 to Rob's account in the Cayman Islands and I'll be back when ready for more.

Very few will get this lol?

There's nothing wrong with both my heads ?????

FFS, those pizzas must be the Italian version of 'fortune cookies' But unfortunately true, most people associate certain jobs and nice clothes with intelligence, complete bollocks, they also confuse the ability to learn what others have written or done with intelligence. Who is the cleverest human, someone that can use tools, diagnose complicated problems (such as medicine), programme computers, write in good grammar (for understanding) etc etc, or who has a Phd in Star Trek studies?, beam me up Scotty I've a job awaiting me.

And that's new for you ?????

So is your favourite rock band AC/DC ?

If your sound card uses third party software you may need to configure that, and make sure onboard sound is turned off in the bios.

Poor girls disappointed ?

Longer than your porn fckr

I daren't do it in case it crashes.

Yea but with our memories now, we can't remember the f....g fantasies ?????

Get hold of this guy Rugger, he can help us, I realise we won't have many left but wtf?, I might win, hats off to this man.

Eskimo