RobMc

Hmmm? did not think this the least bit funny, I might have done when I was 6?

Foreplay

Speaking from our time inside together ??? xxx

I love their eyes lol.

A Scotsman ???? true Sharpe and Duffy will kill me now lol.

I'm kinda worried if he doesn't like me what 'banana' he'll stick in the mix?

No no no, you play HIDE every game

Hey now?, as the chief Snowflake and self appointed moral guardian of the idiots, this opens a can of worms. Encouraging foxhunting is the slippery slope to worse things, ffs we'll be killing people in play next?? As a snowflake I consider any form of hunting barbaric, could we not have something like 'find the corn cob?', fuck no, I've just remembered recent research suggests plants have feelings, so that's out. How about replacing the noble fox with a trout?, I realise we could only play in the rain, but right now it's pissing down here, you could float a whale? The term 'hunters' I'm afraid is now considered politically incorrect, seekers may be a more acceptable option. I do hope there is no violence in this game, us idiots are gentle souls and completely unaffected by Tourettes. Sounds fucking ace

Hey buddy, you deserve a reward for all of your delicious recipes, so as a Crissie pressie I've promised the local 'pride' a special treat. I'll pm a voucher for a visit to your local lions for an experience of a lifetime (cut short), just ring and turn up, preferably around feeding time. It's right up your street, providing someone with a delicious meal, they are salivating at the thought of your visit, and have a request, wear minimal clothing so they don't waste time. Don't thank me now buddy, just remember that will. Enjoy

Yea, FU @BUDMAN

No he's not ?

@YACCster

FFS you live in an army barracks ? they're getting bigger every time

Dot dear turn OIL upside down

It was the blonde asking if she could buy a 710 cap at the garage as she'd lost hers? OIL

How to Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers (if you can find them). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed. How to Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey!! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower. Wash bollocks and the surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror. Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel,grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's clothes.

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way Instructions on how to clean your toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP..... 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, who cleans up and who has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women never meet each other.

Bout time you did too fckr ?

Ostrich ?????

Yea, I've put weight on since then ?

The following are all replies that women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms (names removed). I especially like the last one!! 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. 8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart!

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange but I ignored it. However, when the drinks waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I looked around the room and saw that all the waiters had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order, I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Consultants At Large, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and, while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the lavatory." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of... you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the lavatory by 76.39%." "Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."