Life Isn't fair it just happens

[BigPapaDean]

The following is a recount of my life the last 2 yrs.  I am telling it in the hopes it helps others to know they are not alone!  I tried to be fair to all parties involved.  I told where I was where I went to, and where I am now and where I plan to go!  Enjoy and Please give me feed back as I want to know if it helps somebody!  

 

       Life Isn't Fair It Just Happens!

 

Many times I have thought to myself, "Life is not fair, but it happens!" As I think about it now, that phrase is very aplicable to my life. Things don't always happen just because it's unfair, but because there usually are circumstances that lead up to the events, that may and in many cases, do effect the rest of our lives. I have decided that my life with all of the events that have occured is really not all that different from about half the people in this world I live in today! It's not the events themselves that make my life an unique story but the way and order they occured. Each event lead to the next event and just like an avalanche the impact grew larger and larger until it happened! As a fuse burns and when it finally reaches its destiny, the designed effect occurs. The explosion erupts into a major event that causes devastation to all within the boundaries of the effect.

I was a young youth group minister with no certain homebase to call my home. I grew up as the son of a farmer, who himself was an elder and preacher in the church we had always gone to. I had aspirations of following in my fathers footsteps. There was just one major obstacle that stood before me.

For me to follow in his footsteps, there was the need to have a wife that was like minded. I was in my middle twenties when I finally met the woman I was to spend 27 yrs with. We met at a national campout for our church in the mountains in Colorado. My hometown church sponsored it and I never missed them as there was always so much fun to be had as well as the meetings were so wonderful to us. Year after year I attended this campout looking for that special woman who would bless my life. It was at one of these campouts I finally met her. One day this sweet young woman walked up to me and asked me to baptize her into the Lord's fold. my life. This was the first event in our lives together. At the time though I was unaware as to the effect of that meeting on the rest of my life. Our roads while very much intertwined would go down much different paths.

A year or two after we met, I had moved to Tulsa where I was just living like I had always lived. I was always a carefree happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I never thought much about responsibility, and obligations. I just lived for the moment. I grew up in the outdoors with a rifle in one hand and a fishing pole in the other. That was the only life I had ever known and I had no idea what it meant to be a husband or a father. I just thought they happened. Then she moved from Washington state to Tulsa also, where we became romantically involved. We dated a few months and fell in love and got married.

Then after three children and approximately fifteen years later and our marriage was on the edge of falling apart, this is when my story really begins. I have changed the names to protect all envolved. This is not about right and wrong or blame . It is about how events do effect each and everyone of us in many different ways. To make sure I hold to my objective here I am as much at fault as anyone in this, but I truly do want to maintain fairness and truth as much as I possibly can. This is told strictly from my perspective and memory! Now back to my story!

The following events are to let you know some back ground so you can have a perspective that is not from my view but from the cause and effect view. While Lanni and I were dating, she worked at a fast food drive in in a very suburbia part of town. One night she couldn't get a hold of me or anybody else to pick her up after work so she decided to walk home alone in the dark. She was brutally attacked and raped. This one event is what really had more impact on her life than any one sigle event in her life! It was to be the event that eventually would dissolve our marriage. Let me explain! She begin to blame "all men" for being "pigs". When you really stop and think about it. You can see how she might think thid way.

At first our intimacy wasn't affected very much at all. Oh! There were times she couldn't be intimate, but they were few and far between. As time went by she got worse rather than heal she was getting by far worse. It got to the place we weren't intimate but once a month! I am a very virile man and need much more than that, so one night I told myself, " If she tells me no, one more time I am going to stop trying". The next night I tried once again, like I had so many times before, and she said no. From that day forward I never tried again and intsead I turned to pornography. I was at a point I needed releif and that was all I could think of without going to some other woman for my needs! I truly wasn't doing it to hurt her. It was simply for my survival!

About seven years ago, when all the children had grown and left the house on their own, she went into what is commonly referred to as the "empty nest" syndrome. My oldest son Randy and I bought her a puppy that was to be all hers. It was a Pomeranian. She was small enough to sit on your hand and looked like a furry fluffball. When we presented her to Lanni, it was love at first sight! They became inseparable. Lanni now had somehting she could put all her love, affection, and attention toward!

I have always loved dogs. Growing up on the farm, I had several over the years. It's that this little dog, I'll call her "Princess", was a very special little dog. She had the ability to grab your heart and demand your love and attention to her. She became more than a family pet. She was more like a child that wanted interaction from you! She did things that simply I thought was amazing. She loved watching television. She knew every commercial that had some sort of creature in them. She could be walking around the house bored, and the second she heard one of the commercials come on that she knew had a creature in it she was right in front of the television barking at it. If you was watching a movie she would come and lay down at your feet or by your side and watch thje movie with you. If per chance a creature appeared on the screen she was up in front of it and barking. She knew several creatures by name such as horse, cow, pig, sheep, and of course Softy the Bear.

Every night she had a routine, and if she was feeling good at all she followed it almost to the minute each day. She would go in to the bedroom where Lanni was at 10:00 o'clock. She would watch television with Lanni. Then at 11:00 she would jump down and come into my office, where I always was on my computer doing whatever I was doing, to give me kisses and loves. Then she would go back into the bedroom and go under the bed where it was her special place, and wait for me to come to bed. When I finally did come to bed she would wait until I settled in and then come to my side of the bed. She would stand up on her two hind legs and ask me to pick her up and put her on the bed. Then she would lay down by me on her back and ask me to scratch and rub her sweet little tummy! All the while giving me kisses and loves. I sure do miss my Princess.

What we didn't know when we bought her was her breed has a tendency toward a degerative disease, called collapsed trechea. The breathing tube begins to collapse and over time get progressively worse until it takes there life. Princess had this disease, and it started after we had taken her to the groomer to be groomed. They didn't know how to handle her so they restrained her by a tight leash. Princess hated leashes and would not be restrained without a fight. She begin to have these attacks every so often at first. Then they became more often everytime she had one. She would go into these coughing fits because her throat was collapsing and almost pass out. We felt so bad for her. It became apparent that she was in trouble and at that time the vets could only tell us that there really wasn't any viable repair option so enjoy her as long as we had her.

Well, the time came,when we knew, we had to do what we both dreaded more than anything in the world. It was that night that Lanni told me she was taking Princess in the next day and having her put to sleep, so she wouldn't have to suffer anymore. We both were torn through our hearts very deeply. That night I told my Princess that I loved her and that I want the pain to stop for her and I said my last "Goodbye". This is killing me now as I write this. The look on her face said "Daddy I just want it to stop. Please! Help me!"

The next morning I woke and got ready for work and left by looking in on my Princess. I left and went to work. Lanni tried to call me at 6:45 am to tell me Princess had passed, in her arms, but it wasn't a pretty sight. Later, after doing some research on the internet, I found out what actually claime the life of our "Princess". She had an attack of hypo-glycemia. If we had known that was a very real possibility we could have avoided her passing for some time. You see, because she was coughing she could not eat, and there by she had very low blood sugar. I found out you could give her an insuline shot and she would have been ok, but it was too late for that now.

Naturally now became the blame yourself game, and that is what Lanni began to do. She became engrossed into her work and started doing 80 hours a week to avoid coming home and being in ths place she had this horrible memory. Lanni began acting very irrational. She even started dating women. One morning I received a call from her best friend and was informed that Lanni had run off with her lover. I already knew she was seeing somebody but not who. I had seen her leaving the house one morning with someone, but could not see who it was. I now know who it was, and still is. I really had no reaction to this news except one. She could have had it all with very little reprocussion, if she would have done it right! I know now she was not thinking clearly! She was in a deep state of depression, and going deeper. She eventually saw that what she had done was wrong. She told me that Jill, her lover, still loved her other partner as well. Lanni told Jill to go back to her and try to make it work.

Lanni took Jill to work and dropped her off and drove several blocks from there and parked in a parking lot. She then called one of her friends at her place of employment and told him she was sorry and she was going to end it all! Well, he called the emergency dispatch and they began an all out search for her. They found her just in the niche of time! They took her to the hospital and put her in the psycho ward. I called our children and told them to meet me at tjhe hospital. When I got there I was informed that Lanni did not want me there! I stayed anyway because she had no one else to lean on. She told our children whom were adults that she was going to finish the job once she was released.

Well that kind of talk gave the authorities the evidence they needed to force her into a decision that she would have avoided any other way. Lanni is a very smart intelligent woman. She also is very up on the law in cases like hers. Her profession demands she be knowledgeable about these issues. So when they offered her the option of going to a psychlogical hospital or being taken with a court order, she chose the voluntary method. She knew if she went as a ward of the state she wouldn't get out until they said she could. So went went voluntarily.

The next day Lanni called me from the hospital and asked me to bring her clean clothes as what sha had were blood soaked. So I gathered what she asked for and took them too her! I could tell by the look on her face she wasn't the Lanni I had loved and known all those years. I left the clothes and went home fully expecting her to stay there until she was better! A week later she called me again and asked me to come get her and bring her home. The case worker told her she was leaving to early but they were helpless to stop her!

When I saw her this time she looked a lot better in her face. Like the old Lanni I knew. I took her home, and on the way we talked about how to end our marriage. She had already talked to her girlfriend about getting out. We were all in a bad situation and needed at least a temporary solution to our living situations. We agreed they would have the main bedroom and I would sleep in my den.

Well after a few nights where the noise coming from the other room was rather loud I asked her if maybe they could just keep it down where I wouldn't have to hear it. Within the week she had rented an apartment and moved out. She took everything that she could grab on a whim and left.

Now comes the part where the impact all this had on me, hit me like a ton of bricks. I have always been a strong willed, strong hearted and don't worry and fret about the situation, kind of guy. I had never experienced pressure like I have through out this whole ordeal! I was feeling it from all sides.

The impact of her leaving was not an emotional one for me. Our marriage had been one of convenience for the last fifteen years. So I had dealt with that hurt and disappointment years before. This was from the economical side and the loss of Princess, as well as my work pressures were unreal. Even at work because I was a branch manager I was getting pressure from all sides. Not that it wasn't expected but with what was going in my personal life it became over whelming. I was getting it from the boss because our goals weren't being met. From the customers because product wasn't getting to them soon enough. Then last but not least from the warehouseman, for what ever reason on a daily run.

My blood pressure was extremely high and wouldn't go down. Regardless what medicine my Doctor prescribed for me it just wasn't working. I lost my appetite and anyone that knows me knows I never loose my appetite. I lost well over 60 pounds, which was a good thing, but not the way I was doing it. I began thinking of how to end all this mess I was in. One of the more permanent solutions was to end my existance on earth. Well i thought about that for a while and then I prayed "God help me! I need your help!". That prayer seemed to help me get and seek the help I so desparately needed.

In the midst of all this crap I had let myself emtiolly fall for a young lady who was not ready nor should have been to deal with my load of baggage I carried. When I approached her with the idea she could help me she didn't understand why I couldn't just turn it off when I was ina episode of depression. There I said it, I was in a semi stae of depression. She honestly thought I could just turn it on and off as I so desired. This just made my deoression worseand I reached out to anybody I thought could help me! I found out most people don't know about trigger words and phrases. They have the best of intentions but are not qualified to handle anybody that is where I was at.

I have one friend, whom I love her and her family like they were my own family, that was able to help me. There were nights that she was on the pc literally talking to me and leading me through all this garbage in my life. Thanks to her I am all better today and have been medicine free and episode free for quite sometime now. Thank you Giggles, you are the best.

I play pc games online and belong to a clan and we play each other all the time on our own servers. I have belonged to two different clans before my present clan whom I am very happy with. The first clan was an extreme clan and actually is a very fun and active clan. I still have many friends there. Back when I belonged there though, some events took place whhile I was in my depression that made me feel very unsafe there so I resigned my membership and joined another clan where I had some friends, thinking I can feel safe. Well for a couple of months it all went very smooth. Then all hell broke loose and I didn't feel safe from all the drama so I left there and i joined my present clan. The point is even in a stupid online game people are not very sensitive and understanding of others with issues they are dealing with and take it all way to serious.

Now let me deal with some on going issues at the moment. I am in the process of filing bankruptcy chapter 11. Along with filing for divorce, and going to college to become what I have always wanted from the second I heard about this profession. I want to be a digital fornsic. I am so excited about this I am hving issues with waiting on others to get it to happen. I know it is going to happen But I dont have ths details yet!

So my story is an on going event at the moment but I am back in the saddle again and want to move on with my life so I can once again be happy as we all are entitled to.

[loaderXI]

Dean we all have a story to tell nd as u can imagen they very a little....I will say this the paths we chose r already chosen nd being a christian myself having served in fellowship for over 15 straight years...I will say this the Lord will never give us more then we can handle or more then we need it is us who want nd need more....I know that it is the affects on others we dont see that is most important so I myself apply that thought every second of every day...

U see the people we pass but just a spell r the ones that matter because we get to send them off as we chose nd may never even see them again but if only a smile is offered to them they will remember that nd pass it forward nd only the Lord knows if that is to be last smile they see...Family is indeed another story but we get to keep them for life....

Im not going to toot any horns here but kindness no matter what will always prevail nd life is way to short to be bitter or anger....It does seem as though u feel the same way nd ur rewards will come just understand there will be many that u or I will never see but they r there if we just look a little harder....I wish u all the best nd may the path that u find urself on be blessed...Be proud of where u have been have pride for where u will be nd always no matter how painful smile someone will notice !!!

 

 

All the Best

loADER>XI<Admin

[Labob]

[HarryWeezer]

Hey Dean:

 

   Thanks for this post. I know it's difficult to be this open but it helps to firm our resolve when we share our pain with others; and it helps others to better appreciate themselves and understand their own path through life. The hardest thing to do is to overcome and rebuild and you have done that. Keep the faith!!!   

[CaptNut]

DEAN my friend. I for 1 have missed u. Remember i told u once that u r the only person i hated to shoot. U were one of the reasons i came to this clan. there are others but this is about u. I considered and consider u my mentor to COD4. brother i knew u had problems in ur life but i never knew how good or bad it was. Well i guess i know now. U my friend, even through the pain, has had a good heart to ppl and player in this clan and all other clans u are/were in. Sir my heart and my respects go out to u. i just wished u would of stayed with the Idiots but i understand. Im glad ur doing better and im glad i get to kill u again. TY for ur story. puts a lot of perspective into my life. TY SIR and SEMPER FI. I am honored to call u a friend

[Giggles]

Dean as i have told you keep your chin up my friend life has it's ups and downs but it always works out.Like I have told you many times you are most welcome anytime.