How to start a fight

[DEEJAYKEG]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't
used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....



________________________________



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.


 I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered..

 I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And that's when ..........


________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant....The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when................


_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
 

"Yes", she sighed,


"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't
been sober since."


"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"


And then the fight ...............

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making
beer..

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.



I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway.."



The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a
limp.

______________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."



And then ..............



________________________________



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.


She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then ...............

______________________________



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.


The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.


She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might
have gotten disability too.'

And then ..................
________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."


And then ......................
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'


........................
 

[Merlin007]

Excellent...  Good way to start a Sunday morning.

 

Thanks

[TBB]

Good stuff  -  FU DJ!