GHO5T

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7KBcsdPhxA

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

She then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled herself to safety!

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena wakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!' So Ole fired up the John Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'
The doctor then held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moly Ole, we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their 3 children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40!!

Mersey--- for US/Can friends is a River

I mean wow i warned all this was going to happen who is laughing now
https://brandnewtube.com/watch/nhs-nurse-quits-in-disgust_kPic1JtwtTXgYCQ.html

he is braver than you and me i never take more than two out at one time  

Not really kicking ass!  Oinking for points mostly.  Just a doofy thing I do because I have no life!

Love this FAMILY! where does the time go/ How many peps got 10 tears plus? HeeeeeHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaW!

Cant help but post this here.
Some of the pics ive seen have been funny as fuck. Heres mine!

@tsw 8.5 This guy does a nice job! 

Silly old Rob, I've got it all wrong, there has to be an undercurrent of conspiracy, otherwise how could the world be so fucked up ?, I've put a great deal of thought (and alcohol) into this project, here's my thoughts :-
Everything bad that happens is down to 'Them', in 99% of cases this is the government of whatever country you live in, doesn't matter which country or party, despite a turnover that McDonalds would envy, they all think and act as one. This is obvious immediately by the observations of bodies such as the United Nations, working in harmony to fuck the world in complete agreement with every government on earth. Their inability to agree on even what coffee they drink in their restaurants is a testament to our ability to counter threats such as disease, alien invasion, and do popsicles encourage child poverty and grooming ? Once you've grasped the idea of 'them' conspiracy is a walk in the park, as them is any fckr who is not you - got it? So anything, and I mean anything, is the fault of 'them', which got me thinking, what horrors lurk in the world of idiots? are we being led on a wild bird (formerly known as Goose chase, until it became prejudicial to Geese ) chase.
Are the senior Admins living under Denver airport ?
Is Rockape secretly a cross dresser, formally known as 'transvestite'
Is GG an alien ? using Angu5 as a front to convince us all humans aren't human ?
Is Hammer secretly a Bigfoot living in Boston as a seemingly nice neighbour, when in fact he has a hidden agenda ?
Do contrails mean the end of killstreaks ?
 
Worrying times for us idiots, but you're in safe hands with Rob, never fear, I'll investigate for you

welcome  

Most of you on Freezetag know me pretty well.  I play hard, never moan or complain 😂 ... but at the end of the day, I enjoy letting off some steam with you all. 
I'm 50ish ... married 30 yrs.  2 teenaged kids.  Protestant Christian.  I own a small appliance repair biz.  Live in the country on an acreage.  Grow most of my own food.  Chickens.  Bee's.  Tap Maple trees.  Heat with wood.
I do some bookbinding on the side and will slowly move into that as my trade as I wind down being an appliance repair guy.  
I coach varsity HS basketball at a fairly high level (AAAA is the highest level here in MB and my team was 6th in the Prov in 2019,) but am locked out of my school for covid.  So no coaching for a full year now.  In defiance of the rulz, I ran an underground bbl gym this past winter in a warehouse so I could keep training kids.
Lets see ... what else?  
That's all I can come up with.  Sums up who I am IRL I guess.
Cheers all and thanks for the servers!
 

The member story
 
Hi, my name is Fatzi and I promised to make and to share a story with you.
Believe it or not; you are an important part of it. Without knowing you actually made this story…
Curious? Well…. Then sit back, read the story carefully and you’ll find out where you make the difference….
 
 
It was on a hot summer day when walked to my car to go to Wallmart and get me Ice some . Just before getting to my car I noticed I forgot my car Key. So I returned to my house, grabbed my key and returnd to my car.
Arriving at Wallmart I parked my car in the Shadow. I had to Cross the parking lot to get to the entrance. I noticed that the Little old man, usually begging for sigaretts wasn’t there.
So I asked security where he was. “6FtUnder“ the security guy replied in a tone as if he had already answered this question many times before that day. And it was only just 8.30 AM..
I was still digesting the terrible news when I walked into the Wallmart. Looking for ‘my’ Princess, always dressed in P!nk. She works at the ice Crusher. That’s why I call her the Icequeen.
I ordered the usual amount of crushed ice and promissed to be back soon.
On my way to the The last cold beer that I was going to buy this week  I grabbed myself a Big Cheese, some Pancakes, some Buffalo wings and a nice big Steak.
I couldn’t find my brand of Razor, so i went to the cassier.
There I walked up to my old Buddy and Chief of police Brick. I call him Brick because of the shape of his face. We always laugh about it. His real name is Rick and he's a real Nice Guy.
While waiting at the register I asked how about his new investi Gator. He was actually very positive about him, calling him a 007and a half. “But I am the best Fatzi ” he said and pointed at his Badge. I laughed and payed my groceries with my creditcard. “See you at the BBQ Brick”. He gave me a confirming thumbs up and continued his way.
Getting outside the heat overwelmed me… “Damn climate change” I mumbled like a Grumpy old man and continued loading my shoppings into the trunk of my car.
Suddenly there was this Flash and immidately Gunfire. My instinct made me drop myself on ground, on the hot concrete of the parking lot. From underneath the car I saw something that looked like a  Corpse. That thought hit me like a Bomb Shell. What should I do? A Bullet struck the car behind me and in a split second I thought I could become a Casualty.
Still lying on my stomage I observed a Crazy Girl running towards the suspect, Fearless and like a real Kamikaze she ran to the shooter, determined to Kill that Beast. And she actually managed to work him against the ground. Within seconds the whole parking lot was full of police, fire and ambulances and  press…. A lot of press.
Foxxx News was one of the first at the scene; Primetime!
Later that day I heard the guy with 7 Toes was the active shooter. That Moron had killed before. It seemed he was a race fan. My buddy Brick was Chasing him already for 4 years now, but today he made his last victim; he Lost. I hope the Judge will give him a permanent ‘time off’ …
That night I was watching some television and went to bed early.
 
The next morning I went to my trip Adviser to discuss the planned Expedition to hunt for some Beargoat. Me and my so called lesbian neighbour Allison, a Fanatic Gatorgirl, decided to go for a hunt together. This AusiGirl with Cute boobies enjoys the Freedom in nature with only minor Comfort like I do. In the past she wanted to become Astronomer but she actually became a Seal, a real Predator.  Pretty comfortable having her arround me. There was a kind of chemistry between us, but not the one you would expect.

4 days later we went into the Mountains of Texas.
When we parked our car a Hawk was circling above us as if he welcomed us to his territory. Or did he already know what was lying ahead of us?
We walked for almost 6 hours when we decided to pull up our camp. After having some noodles we prepared for the night.
We talked a bit about everything and nothing when Allisson asked: “What is your favorite singer?” “Elvis” I said  “Cool, I like his music too”.
She turned on to her left side in her Cotton pyjamas and wished me good night. I wished her the same.

In the middle of the night I woke up and looked arround me. Allisson was gone. She disappeared like a Ghost.
On the fabric of the tent I saw this little moving red Dot. Outside I heard a Crack. Was it Allisson or was it a Moose  or a Black Cat or maybe a Crazy Horse? With almost Nosleep I prepared for the worst. I took my rifle, loaded it and slowely pulled down the zipper of our tent.

My eyes had to adapt to the darkness for a couple of seconds, but then in the moonlight I could clearly see the silhoute of a woman. “Allisson?” I said and slowely lowered my rifle.
“What are you doing outside? Are you okay?”.
There she was, standing a couple of feet away from me like a Boogyman.
In the background I heard a Big Dog barking, probably an AlphaDog. Then I heard her saying, almost whispering “run… run….” But why?
“Allison are you okay? What's wrong with you?” and again I heard her saying…. “run… run…” This time much louder. I got scared and automatically raised my rifle.
Then, out of nothing and from a clear sky Thunder and Lightning struck and now I could see her face…. a complete Nightmare … She had turned into a Zombie.
Just before I wanted to shoot her, a familiar voice told me to lower my weapon. It was Brick…

“Brick… what the hell are you doing out here? What is going on?”
“Saving your asp buddy” Brick almost laughing. But his tone was getting more serious when he told me to step back and to lower my rifle.
“Normally we should blow a zombie into peaces with some Nitro, but I called my friend Lazy Marcky, he has worked with Biotech.”  “And..?” “Well, he is a real Mutant Destroyer, he was actually
D man  and Eraser of the Mad Cow desease. He has the Power to save Allisson's life!”.
“And how is he going to do that?” I asked Brick “With an Uranium bullet..one shot only” he said.
“Fatzi go back to your tent and call Rescue 911. Lazy Marcky is preparing to launch the perfect shot to save Allison's life, but we need an helicopter”

I stepped back and went into the tent to get my IPhone to call Rescue 911. While reaching for the Phone I noticed a sharp sting. Immediately my hand got swolen and burned as if he was on Fire.
I just had been bitten by a Black Widdow and jumped outside the tent. I grabbed a Rock went back into the tent and smashed that freeking animal like a Tiger.
I quickly took a Painkiller and rushed outside.
Moments later I heard a gunshot from Lazy Marcky’s Silencer and heard a big Zombiefart.
Allisson went down and Brick rushed to her aid. Allisson was heavily shaking but her face slowly turned into normal. Brick said: “You can now Switch-off the red dot Lazy”.
Lazy Marcky just showed that he was a Master in shooting Uranium bullets. Lazy joked: “I did not want to use a Stinger on your lovely neighbour…Fatzi”

I heard the helicopter approaching and after a couple of minutes we were air lifted to the nearest hospital in a Black Bird.
The docters took Allison to take care about her and one of them, certainly not a Rookie, promised me that everything would be fine. I don’t know why,  but I took him by his shoulders and said: “Just make sure you give me my Baby back”. “You will get her back, don’t worry” he said as he continued his way to the Emercengy Room.

In the waiting room I noticed a small vase in the Window with only one Black Rose in it. Strange…. Why only one?
An older man came into the waiting room and took a seat at the opposite of me. The big tatoo on his right arm was made to be seen.. a big White Dragon.
He shuffeld arround in his backpack and then he offered me a Cookie. “No thanks, I just took A Tasty Peanut” I said.
I asked him if his tatoo had a meaning. “Well, long time ago I was a Dragon Slayer before I became a Swiss guard”.  “A Swiss guard?” “Yes… I worked for the famous Red Baron.. He lived in a castle where Dragons were The Enemy.” I looked at his eyes and I could tell he was lying like Pinnokkio.

I watched the time go by and my body started to hurt as if I’d been involved in a car Crash that day.
Again the man with the tatoo offered me something else to eat. “Here you go, take a Nacho with Olive flavor”. This time I could not resist. He would think I’m a Noob if I would refuse for the second time. I looked at the Digital clock and noticed 2 hours went by when suddenly some stupid Monkie entered the waiting room. He had a smell on him…..terrible. It must have been my poisoned expression when he said: “Yes Sir, Fart a lot “ and started to play Pacman on his Ninentdo.
To kill the time I opened a magazine where I read an article about El Presidente, that Pyro dude from Mexico that smuggled 100 kg of narcotics over the Stretch into the US, all by Mule.
Major Mark alias Kapt Crunch from the US  border patrol arrested him.
My eyes were getting heavy. Only16Characterz more my eyes could read and placing them in the right order. I was too tired to read anly longer...

Just at that moment Athena a young nurse entered the waiting room to tell Allisson was fine and being dressed with some hospital cloths.
For me that was The Hammer; I didn’t expect I could bring her home so soon.
Athena gave me Allissons cloths. They were ready for the Scrapper.
 
A few moments later my dear neighbour was standing right in front of me. Healty as if nothing ever happened to her. “We went to War Angel” she said.
Allisson and the nurse smiled. “Come on babe, I’ll bring you home”. Together we walked to exit..
 
No I am married to Allisson for over 15 years and I want to give you one good advise:
If you feel the Sparks, Hunt them down and you will get your long desired Wild fire.
 
Fatzi-Sgt

 
 

Next time report your penis has died and give a date for the viewing then mention Covid and latex gloves 😆

In February I had my first covid jab, the then receptionist (see later), at my GP's rang me to arrange the appointment, all went like clockwork. Move on to today and a text arrived on my trusty Nokia 512, I can talk to people, send texts, it is small and light, and a charge lasts a fortnight. The text said press the link and arrange the next jab, problem, it is not a smartphone, hmmmm? 
So the way to go is ring the surgery right?, after 2 hours of trying I got through and asked for the receptionist who arranged the appointments. I was then told there were no 'receptionists' but they would direct me to the 'care navigator' (I swear it's true), who would help me, she was brilliant, her advice was to buy a smartphone. I replied I wasn't going to do that I was happy with my Nokia. Her reply 'sorry I can't help you' and she hung up', wtf?
Is it me going backwards or the world?

yeah I like scrambled eggs I usually  melt cheese on top
 

Exercise helped me more than any SSRI's years ago...it was just a Herculean effort to maintain in the midst of major clinical depression.  Paxil helped & detracted the most.  Improved my mood, but made it hard to get, well...hard.  And that's fucking -because not so much- depressing in & of itself.  Stuck between a rock & a not-so-hard  hard place.  But it -exercise- is, along with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a counselor of my choosing for a couple years, what helped me.  That Noonday Demon hasn't returned in 20 years or so; & I'm not looking for the motherfucker, either.  =D  The best to describe what really must be experienced to be understood was Andrew Solomon in his book I earlier referenced.  Insightful opus.  Anyways, you guys snap out of it.   Should look-up his Book T.V. appearance on CSPAN2...should be able to find it on youtube.  That's actually some of the best programming I've watched & I highly recommend it.  Except you, Hammer.  You're goofy, & that's a whole different subject.  Here's his TED Talk.  Good stuff.  
 

https://youtu.be/NNC0kIzM1Fo?t=38
 

Yea Janey we all love you girl, take no notice of the haters, keep fighting my dear, you'll get there.

I've been down and out for a little while now because of a health issue I had, I'm still recovering but I will be good to go by later this weekend or Monday at the latest. Hope to be back in the servers soon to kick your asses, what I really miss is hearing all the whining and bitching, can't wait to hear it again, you don't know how much you love something until it's gone 🙂
 

I just finished descaling our coffee machine and found the statistics section in the settings. It shows how many cups of coffee we’ve made since I bought this machine almost 6 years ago. ☕️☕️☕️
 

nice yak

To the thief,

                                Yesterday you took three things from my life that I may never be able to replace. The memories of the cook outs I had with family and friends when you took my grill, the aluminum canoe that you ruined with cutting the cross bars and not the chain that was connected to it and the grill. The fear that is now in my wife because of what you did. She no longer feels safe living here in Albert Lea, MN. I hope that whatever made you think it was ok to take what was not yours brings you the happiness you are looking for. You took that also away from us. I know it is not the community’s fault for what you did. You may never be caught but one day you will have to answer to our Lord for what you have done in your life and I know in my heart that he will help me forgive you for this but it will take time.  Again I hope what you have done has brought you the happiness you were looking for since you have taken ours away.