So I've invented the perfect drink for Call of Duty, and studied its effectiveness over the last few weeks of playing freeze tag. I share with you fine folks now the results:
First, the drink. You may have to improvise some of the ingredients if you're not a chemistry/physics teacher. Also, it helps to be Irish Catholic. Irish for the genetic tolerance to alcohol, and Catholic to have the training in dealing with the guilt over things you do when you drink. The property tax bill is optional. But it helps in developing the proper level of anger to maximize in-game motivation to kill people.
You start by taking a tumbler glass that you just tried to make a vodka martini in but then dumped out when you realized you don't have any olives. Don't clean it. Take three shots of very good bourbon and pour over ice that's been in the freezer since the first Obama administration. Put a teaspoon of sugar in. Then two shots of bitters that have been in your cabinet for at least a year. Go to the fridge to find a lemon to rind so you can finish the old-fashioned you're trying to make, and realize you don't have any. Remember you've never had any, because you don't like lemons. Grab some orange preserves instead and, using your pinky finger as a measuring device, put the end of one finger of the preserves into the tumbler. Then a shot of Irish Whisky, to honor the ancestors. Then another shot of Irish Whisky for flavor. Stir with your pointer finger, before realizing that you haven't washed your hands since setting up a chemistry lab that uses lead and manganese compounds. Set it on top of your incredibly absurd property tax bill as a coaster, which is in turn on top of the four hours of work you have to do before class tomorrow but won't bother starting until the drink is gone. Enjoy. I named it the Dirty Old Fashioned Inbred Irishman, after myself.
And attached is the summary of data I've collected on the efficacy of this beverage in game, along with some anecdotal commentary on some recurring patterns I've noticed while collecting data.