RobMc

I was in Asda the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young guy pushing his trolley. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Strewth Sheila, run out of camels??

When I was a kid my dad used to let me put my pocket money in a special money box under the stairs I was fifteen before I found out it was the fecking gas meter!

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. Love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever.... Which is odd because she's never been interested in darts before?

Drink, party, flirt, not bathe, be little boys, be rich and be bored?

My pet mouse named Elvis died yesterday. He was caught in a trap

I have a little Satnav It sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver's friend It tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav I've had it all my life It’s better than the normal ones My Satnav is my wife. It gives me full instructions Especially how to drive "It's thirty miles an hour", it says "You're doing thirty five". It tells me when to stop and start And when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever Safe to overtake. It tells me when a light is red And when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front And all those to the rear And taking this into account It specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver Has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car It still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling Each journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it And get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed, It washes all my shirts and things And - keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages And my tendency to scoff, I do wish that once in a while I could turn the damned thing off!

Get ahead in life, don't wipe it - kiss it

Yes you are oooxxx

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.' I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it....

Yea the DLC's can be expensive, and they always leave a few out, ,although to be fair they include most in the initial purchase. For us older gamers they are excellent value for money and you don't need a super computer or 105" monitor with backup generator to power. The biggest advantage is all these games can be played on modern OS's never had one hiccup on any of them on my Atari ST 1mb

Tip, if you like a game but don't need it immediately keep revisiting and looking at it, sometimes (but not always) they reduce the price to almost nothing.

For ONCE I daren't comment

Come on, where and when will he respawn??

A father was looking for the latest Barbie for his daughter's collection. He found an Astronaut Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $565.95. The amazed father asks the salesperson : "Why is the Divorced Barbie $565.95 and the others only $19.95?" The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir.., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made of Ken's balls."