RobMc

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f@@king fault!!!

Now - was that satire?

They don't watch the news do they?? put me down for a volcano at least I'll be warm

Ladies, no the wonder you believe men when they say I love you?? What's in the news?? crossed out airbases and firing ranges, I won't start on seals and waxy, Robs satire is a struggling thing I love you @Icequeen

I'm thinking of buying a holiday cottage and have been looking around for somewhere secluded, Greenland seems to be a nice quiet place to settle. Forgotten by the rest of the world, quiet and judging by the name rich in green pastures. I like fish but have only tried seal once and it was very waxy, I hear that very soon the main language will be English, great news. Google tells me it is Danish? I'll get Pia to put a word in for me, should be plenty of bacon and Lurpak, and cheap. How much are airbases houses? and do local amenities provide firing ranges saunas? Asking for a friend (missing the political column)

A bloke is sat on the sofa watching TV when his wife comes in. 'Notice anything different about me?' she asks. 'Nah, not particularly. Had a haircut ?' 'No, not that' 'Oh, bought some new jewellery?' Nope' 'A new dress then?' 'No, not that either' 'I give up then' 'I'm wearing a gas mask'.

Sorry to hear that Jenny, get well soon, if you smoke please stop, it will certainly kill you, if you don't then exercise to get those lungs back to normality.

Elderly Mick McGrath was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, Mick asked to speak to his son and said, "Don't be nervous boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me...your mother is going to live with you."

FFS, are Canadians like an Octopus ??

My grandad was diagnosed with a serious ailment and the doctor recommended that we smear his back with lard every day. Sadly, he went downhill very fast after that

If we ever meet I'll show you my ultra sharp dagger Queenie, I carry it in my pocket, but be careful trying it, you may feel a little prick?

Working For the Government. A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever worked for the public service before?" "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles". The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day." The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know" "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

There was this petrol station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "free sex." Soon a regular customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, No, you were close, the number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time." Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill up, and again asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, Sorry, it was 3. You were close again but no free sex this time". As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think the game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No its not rigged - my wife won twice last week."

Little boy gets home from school and says ... "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do." As they sit, they hear a pushcart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs..' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"