RobMc

FFS, are Canadians like an Octopus ??

My grandad was diagnosed with a serious ailment and the doctor recommended that we smear his back with lard every day. Sadly, he went downhill very fast after that

If we ever meet I'll show you my ultra sharp dagger Queenie, I carry it in my pocket, but be careful trying it, you may feel a little prick?

Working For the Government. A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever worked for the public service before?" "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles". The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day." The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know" "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

There was this petrol station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "free sex." Soon a regular customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, No, you were close, the number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time." Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill up, and again asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, Sorry, it was 3. You were close again but no free sex this time". As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think the game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No its not rigged - my wife won twice last week."

Little boy gets home from school and says ... "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do." As they sit, they hear a pushcart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs..' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"

I'm amazed you knew, thank you Dot xxxooo

I was in Asda the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young guy pushing his trolley. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Strewth Sheila, run out of camels??

When I was a kid my dad used to let me put my pocket money in a special money box under the stairs I was fifteen before I found out it was the fecking gas meter!

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. Love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever.... Which is odd because she's never been interested in darts before?

Drink, party, flirt, not bathe, be little boys, be rich and be bored?

My pet mouse named Elvis died yesterday. He was caught in a trap

I have a little Satnav It sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver's friend It tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav I've had it all my life It’s better than the normal ones My Satnav is my wife. It gives me full instructions Especially how to drive "It's thirty miles an hour", it says "You're doing thirty five". It tells me when to stop and start And when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever Safe to overtake. It tells me when a light is red And when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front And all those to the rear And taking this into account It specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver Has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car It still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling Each journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it And get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed, It washes all my shirts and things And - keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages And my tendency to scoff, I do wish that once in a while I could turn the damned thing off!