RobMc

I’m getting more excited about my new plans to move to Greenland, did you know the total population is only around 56,000 ? They live mainly in Nuuk, which a close friend has said is very appropriate as he has one lined up if they won’t let him visit. With such a small population you’d think they’d welcome visitors wouldn’t you? However I’m puzzled, it was him who said they’d be speaking English (well American, that’s near enough) soon, and they don’t. In all the years I’ve known him this is the first time he’s stretched the truth, or he knows something I don’t about their educational programme. That must be it, as he said he’d ‘teach them a lesson’, how kind to have their welfare at heart. He also mentioned developing the infrastructure with airfields, new towns and as a tribute and incentive to the natives filling the country with Nuuks, what more could he do? Well for a start, a little birdie told me he was so concerned about their lack of defences that he’d lend them some from the gool old USA. 250,000 personnel, 80 F35’s, 100 missiles and numerous ancillaries shows his generous spirit. In response the UK has apparently contributed by sending one officer (true) on a fact finding mission, hope he stays sober, our track record isn’t good. Be back with more news soon Rob ps It struck me like a bullet why he wants to visit, he loves ICE, and what better country to find it in, trumps Canada ? Oh yes he said that's next.

A man boarded the first-class section of a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Murphy diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible evil curse that goes with it." The man inquired, “What is the curse?” "That would be Mr. Murphy."

One does but try my friend

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f@@king fault!!!

Now - was that satire?

They don't watch the news do they?? put me down for a volcano at least I'll be warm

Ladies, no the wonder you believe men when they say I love you?? What's in the news?? crossed out airbases and firing ranges, I won't start on seals and waxy, Robs satire is a struggling thing I love you @Icequeen

I'm thinking of buying a holiday cottage and have been looking around for somewhere secluded, Greenland seems to be a nice quiet place to settle. Forgotten by the rest of the world, quiet and judging by the name rich in green pastures. I like fish but have only tried seal once and it was very waxy, I hear that very soon the main language will be English, great news. Google tells me it is Danish? I'll get Pia to put a word in for me, should be plenty of bacon and Lurpak, and cheap. How much are airbases houses? and do local amenities provide firing ranges saunas? Asking for a friend (missing the political column)

A bloke is sat on the sofa watching TV when his wife comes in. 'Notice anything different about me?' she asks. 'Nah, not particularly. Had a haircut ?' 'No, not that' 'Oh, bought some new jewellery?' Nope' 'A new dress then?' 'No, not that either' 'I give up then' 'I'm wearing a gas mask'.

Sorry to hear that Jenny, get well soon, if you smoke please stop, it will certainly kill you, if you don't then exercise to get those lungs back to normality.

Elderly Mick McGrath was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, Mick asked to speak to his son and said, "Don't be nervous boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me...your mother is going to live with you."

FFS, are Canadians like an Octopus ??

My grandad was diagnosed with a serious ailment and the doctor recommended that we smear his back with lard every day. Sadly, he went downhill very fast after that

If we ever meet I'll show you my ultra sharp dagger Queenie, I carry it in my pocket, but be careful trying it, you may feel a little prick?

Working For the Government. A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever worked for the public service before?" "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles". The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day." The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know" "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."