RobMc

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.......

Secretly you're a masochist, and Rob is the whip??

Chap in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few.... Notices two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so he asks : "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?" One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!" So, the chap immediately apologised and said... "So sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

Aw what a lovely thought, well done mate

Bollocks, the most famous beer in the world has to be Guinness, in far far more countries than Budweiser

Irish Furniture Dealer. Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find. He visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night." Archie nods approvingly. "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock. "A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?" "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white." If you don't get it ask Sharpe to translate

Some members would like to meet your bone

Best Pub in the world An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were arguing which was the best pub in the world. The Englishman said it was the Marlborough Arms. It overlooked the village green, had fine cask conditioned ales, good food and Morris dancing on Saturday afternoons. The other two agreed that it sounded good and said that they would all go some day. The Scotsman said that the best pub was the Bonnie Prince. It had cheap lager, loads of fine whiskeys and a band on every night. The other two agreed that it sounded good and said that they would all go some day. The Irishman said that the best pub was the Harp Arms, it had Guinness, a Band on Saturdays and you could drink all night for free, then a complete stranger would take you by the hand lead you upstairs and make mad passionate love to you. Then you could drink more free drinks and another stranger would take you by the hand lead you upstairs and make mad passionate love to you. The other two agreed that this sounded like a great pub but sounded too good to be true and the Englishman asked him “Paddy, are you sure about this? I mean have you actually been to this pub? The Irishman replied “To be sure I haven’t but my sister goes there all the time.”

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked one of her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go for a pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Simon, how would you say it?" Simon said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'" The teacher fainted..

Southern softie

@major-mark63 This is a joke for the Brits, the Samaritans are an organisation manned by volunteers you can ring for help if feeling suicidal. Originally of course using telephone lines not mobiles, to encourage people not to hang up they used to say 'stay on the line'. The rest should be obvious in a railway station.

How is a ZX10R a KAWASAKI, the same as a BMW for Chrissakes?? completely different machines, and I've owned a ZX10R

If you regularly ride over that grass in the wet with those tyres I'd invest in stabilisers like on kiddies bikes

I was stood at the train station contemplating suicide. I had a change of heart and decided to call the Samaritans. Bastards told me to stay on the line!!