Cross Posted October 2, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted October 2, 2012 I was travelling to the train station the other day by taxi and as we approached I tapped him on the shoulder to tell him where to drop me out. He screamed loudly, lost complete control of the car, almost ran over an old lady as the cab mounted the footpath, stopping inches away from a lamp post. "Don't ever do that again" said the driver. I apologised saying that I didn't realise that a tiny tap on the shoulder would frighten him to the extent it had. "It's not really your fault I suppose" the taxi driver lamented "it's my first day as a taxi driver: I've spent the last fifteen years driving a funeral van." baldie, LordOfChaos, pancakes and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted October 4, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted October 4, 2012 A man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on your chin." LordOfChaos, JohnnyDos and pancakes 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
STARPICKET Posted October 5, 2012 Member ID: 3472 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 12 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 131 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 71 Achievement Points: 1194 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 05/31/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: December 8, 2021 Birthday: 12/03/1941 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Cross, Great jokes, keep up the good work. cheers Starpicket Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted October 5, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 thanx star Customer: Does the band which is playing take requests from customers? Waiter: Yes sir Customer: Please ask them to stop playing and go home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
PimpedOutPete Posted October 5, 2012 Member ID: 174 Group: +++ COD2 Head Admin Followers: 129 Topic Count: 387 Topics Per Day: 0.07 Content Count: 14885 Content Per Day: 2.78 Reputation: 7825 Achievement Points: 91081 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 52 Joined: 09/02/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: 3 hours ago Birthday: 04/23/1970 Device: iPhone Share Posted October 5, 2012 Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
pancakes Posted October 5, 2012 Member ID: 2395 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 19 Topic Count: 40 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 800 Content Per Day: 0.17 Reputation: 217 Achievement Points: 5471 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/13/11 Status: Offline Last Seen: January 10 Birthday: 07/22/1994 Device: Windows Share Posted October 5, 2012 lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted October 19, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together." The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother." The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking." DEEJAYKEG, baldie and Blackbart 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted October 22, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom. "What's a bitch and a pussy?" "Well," Mom says, "a bitch is a female dog and a pussy is a cat." The boy thinks to himself that this doesn't sound right since the other kids were calling each other that. So he goes to Dad. "What's a bitch and a pussy?" Dad pulls out his Playboy and opens it to the centerfold. He draws a circle around the woman's pussy. "Now that's a pussy, son! And everything else is the bitch!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted October 23, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were driving through the country, when all of a sudden their car stalls. Samantha remembers seeing a farm a little ways back, so her and Janet walk to the farm, leaving Rebecca guarding the car. When Samantha and Janet get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable, whatever, just get something from the garden. Samantha grabs a turnip, and Janet grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Rebecca walks in. He tells Rebecca to do the same as they just did, and Rebecca heads off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Samantha and Janet to shove whatever they have up their butt, and who ever laughs, dies. Samantha laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Janet laughs and she gets killed too. So they are floating out of their bodies, and Janet asks Samantha why she died. Samantha said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Samantha then asked Janet why she laughed, Janet said: "I saw Rebecca coming around the corner with a watermelon!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted October 24, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 (edited) An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket. The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!" Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?" The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!" Edited October 24, 2012 by Cross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
trekvinger Posted October 26, 2012 Member ID: 3811 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 16 Topic Count: 15 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 2019 Content Per Day: 0.48 Reputation: 826 Achievement Points: 11639 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 1 Joined: 10/17/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 22 Birthday: 10/25/1981 Device: Windows Share Posted October 26, 2012 lmao nice jokes thx :lol: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted October 29, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach. LordOfChaos 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted November 13, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted November 13, 2012 There was a man who had a 25 inch penis, so he decided to see a witch to have it reduced. Once with the witch he said, ''I need your help. My penis is so big it's hard for me to find women who can accomodate me. Can you help me?" The witch said, "Go to the forrest, in the middle of it you'll find a frog, ask it to marry you." So he left to the forrest and after hours of walking he found the frog, he kneeled down and asked the frog to marry him.The frog said, "NO." Then his penis shrunk five inches. So he figured it out for every time the frog said no it will shrink five inches. He asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" And again, the frog said, "NO." And it shrunk another five inches. Then he thought, "15 inches is still too big. I'll ask it again. Ten inches will be fine." So he asked the frog one more time, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, "I told you: NO. NO. NO. A million times NO!" LordOfChaos, JohnnyDos and Blackbart 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted November 25, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted November 25, 2012 A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted November 27, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there as a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!". Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at his funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?". The wife said "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Katana Posted November 27, 2012 Member ID: 2898 Group: **- Inactive Registered Users Followers: 11 Topic Count: 29 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 180 Content Per Day: 0.04 Reputation: 62 Achievement Points: 1272 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/15/11 Status: Offline Last Seen: January 23, 2014 Birthday: 09/02/1954 Share Posted November 27, 2012 you need a bit part on a show like seinfeld, lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cross Posted November 29, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 haha id prolly puke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted November 29, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it! The first guy says ''Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!'' The second one goes, ''Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec.'' So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, ''Jesus! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?'' So the other guy concurs, and trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. ''What's wrong? What's the matter?'' his friend says. ''Same damn thing,'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
baldie Posted November 29, 2012 Member ID: 607 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 75 Topic Count: 243 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 3338 Content Per Day: 0.63 Reputation: 2594 Achievement Points: 33699 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 7 Joined: 10/21/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: Tuesday at 10:26 PM Birthday: 09/16/1966 Device: Windows Share Posted November 29, 2012 Rolf nice one's Cross you made my day lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted December 2, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted December 2, 2012 Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!" The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted December 3, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted December 3, 2012 Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness...................................There is no mat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted December 6, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted December 6, 2012 There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him. baldie and DEEJAYKEG 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted December 7, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted December 7, 2012 Egyptian pick-up Line What did the man say to the Egyptian woman? "Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a mummy!" baldie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted December 15, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this." "The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth." JohnnyDos 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Cross Posted December 22, 2012 Member ID: 3610 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 8 Topic Count: 31 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 280 Achievement Points: 2410 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/03/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 8, 2020 Birthday: 02/21/1983 Author Share Posted December 22, 2012 Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and I found a bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the second nun asked. "I threw them in the trash, of course." "Well," said the second nun, "I was in the Father's room putting away laundry and found a bunch of condoms." "What did you do?" the first nun asked. "I poked holes in them." "Oh, crap," said the third nun. baldie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Recommended Posts