little_old_man Posted July 20, 2013 Member ID: 1194 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 40 Topic Count: 436 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 6692 Content Per Day: 1.21 Reputation: 11691 Achievement Points: 53094 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 76 Joined: 02/27/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 16, 2023 Birthday: 04/15/1960 Posted July 20, 2013 My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high schoolreunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging hisdrink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?""Yes", she sighed,"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up thosemany years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tinypair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then wentinto the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started. Leadfinger, djMot, Gatorgirl and 9 others 12 Awards
TBB Posted July 20, 2013 Member ID: 989 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 25 Topic Count: 290 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 20404 Content Per Day: 3.65 Reputation: 22461 Achievement Points: 147463 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 390 Joined: 01/07/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: 7 hours ago Birthday: 01/27/1946 Device: Windows Posted July 20, 2013 roflmao - good ones LOM - thanks Awards
BeerGoat Posted July 22, 2013 Member ID: 2923 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 15 Topic Count: 24 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 1251 Content Per Day: 0.25 Reputation: 295 Achievement Points: 8401 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/24/11 Status: Offline Last Seen: Thursday at 04:31 PM Birthday: 03/20/1976 Device: Windows Posted July 22, 2013 That was great thanks Awards
Merlin007 Posted July 22, 2013 Member ID: 2068 Group: +++ COD5 Head Admin Followers: 71 Topic Count: 1127 Topics Per Day: 0.21 Content Count: 8582 Content Per Day: 1.64 Reputation: 7547 Achievement Points: 76567 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 67 Joined: 12/25/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: 12 hours ago Birthday: 05/23/1973 Device: Windows Posted July 22, 2013 Lmao. Those were good. Thanks Awards
djMot Posted July 22, 2013 Member ID: 3189 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 98 Topic Count: 357 Topics Per Day: 0.07 Content Count: 5257 Content Per Day: 1.09 Reputation: 11146 Achievement Points: 48948 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 114 Joined: 02/11/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: 13 hours ago Birthday: 12/24/1957 Device: Windows Posted July 22, 2013 Way too funny! Awards
Scoarch Posted July 23, 2013 Member ID: 1733 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 9 Topic Count: 43 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 614 Content Per Day: 0.11 Reputation: 555 Achievement Points: 5925 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 08/25/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: August 16, 2022 Birthday: 10/14/1967 Posted July 23, 2013 Thank you I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Awards
Logan Posted July 23, 2013 Member ID: 582 Group: ++ COD2 Admin Followers: 20 Topic Count: 33 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 361 Content Per Day: 0.06 Reputation: 389 Achievement Points: 3272 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/17/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: May 1, 2020 Birthday: 11/22/1956 Posted July 23, 2013 lmao, thanx Old Man Awards
Leadfinger Posted July 23, 2013 Member ID: 4888 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 56 Topic Count: 69 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 2020 Content Per Day: 0.45 Reputation: 3795 Achievement Points: 26312 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 3 Joined: 01/12/13 Status: Offline Last Seen: July 29, 2023 Birthday: 08/29/1962 Posted July 23, 2013 LOM you sure get into a lot of fights with your wife . . . . Har! That's some funny shit LOM thanks Awards
LtLaszlo Posted July 23, 2013 Member ID: 151 Group: ++ COD2 Admin Followers: 62 Topic Count: 189 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 9238 Content Per Day: 1.61 Reputation: 24523 Achievement Points: 95480 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 323 Joined: 09/02/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: 11 hours ago Birthday: 05/17/1959 Device: Kindle Fire Posted July 23, 2013 Those are good ones! Heard a few of them before, but the "phone a friend' one - that is fricking hilarious! Awards
Bullet Posted July 24, 2013 Member ID: 1854 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 12 Topic Count: 23 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 344 Content Per Day: 0.06 Reputation: 370 Achievement Points: 2652 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/30/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: March 30, 2024 Birthday: 03/24/1964 Posted July 24, 2013 Uncle Salty is still laughing. little_old_man 1 Awards
Recommended Posts