NickTheGrip Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 177 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 16 Topic Count: 145 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 1669 Content Per Day: 0.29 Reputation: 281 Achievement Points: 10581 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 1 Joined: 09/02/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: June 27, 2023 Birthday: 05/08/1961 Posted July 7, 2011 This is probably old, but I always get a chuckle out of these (I have even used a couple with my now ex-wife to great effect) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’ And then the fight started… ****************************************** My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And then the fight started…. ****************************************** Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?” And that’s how the fight started… ****************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!” So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?” And then the fight started….. ***************************************** My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale. And then the fight started… ****************************************** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started… ****************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’ And then the fight started…. ****************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ And then the fight started… ****************************************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”" Nah, she can order for herself.” And then the fight started… ****************************************** A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’ And then the fight started… Awards
Damage_inc- Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 2048 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 294 Topics Per Day: 0.06 Content Count: 6689 Content Per Day: 1.27 Reputation: 4709 Achievement Points: 48999 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 5 Joined: 12/15/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: November 29, 2023 Birthday: 05/30/1967 Posted July 7, 2011 lm ao..that was great .thanks Awards
NickTheGrip Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 177 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 16 Topic Count: 145 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 1669 Content Per Day: 0.29 Reputation: 281 Achievement Points: 10581 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 1 Joined: 09/02/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: June 27, 2023 Birthday: 05/08/1961 Author Posted July 7, 2011 Some more I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $27.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. you know the rest...................................... ---------- My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. ........................................ ---------- A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' ..... ---------- I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" ............................................ ---------- Awards
DeathAwaits Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 2626 Group: **- Inactive Registered Users Followers: 1 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 31 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 0 Achievement Points: 188 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/25/11 Status: Offline Last Seen: Never Birthday: 11/16/1972 Posted July 7, 2011 always funny stuff.. lol
3rdCdnInfty Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 1444 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 40 Topic Count: 412 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 3808 Content Per Day: 0.70 Reputation: 1509 Achievement Points: 25301 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 9 Joined: 05/24/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: August 28, 2023 Birthday: 05/01/1988 Posted July 7, 2011 lmao haha Awards
BigPapaDean Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 1128 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 78 Topic Count: 1210 Topics Per Day: 0.22 Content Count: 6553 Content Per Day: 1.18 Reputation: 4430 Achievement Points: 63653 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 6 Joined: 02/13/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: March 18 Birthday: 10/21/1954 Device: Windows Posted July 7, 2011 Classic idiot material!!! Awards
Merlin007 Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 2068 Group: +++ COD5 Head Admin Followers: 71 Topic Count: 1127 Topics Per Day: 0.21 Content Count: 8583 Content Per Day: 1.64 Reputation: 7548 Achievement Points: 76573 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 67 Joined: 12/25/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: Yesterday at 08:08 PM Birthday: 05/23/1973 Device: Windows Posted July 7, 2011 LMAO. Good morning funnies to get the day started. Awards
USAPLISKEN Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 1634 Group: **- Inactive Registered Users Followers: 26 Topic Count: 210 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 1634 Content Per Day: 0.30 Reputation: 370 Achievement Points: 12427 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 08/03/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: June 28, 2016 Birthday: 04/19/1949 Posted July 7, 2011 LMAO crap that was good
billyblade Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 34 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 47 Topic Count: 182 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 2097 Content Per Day: 0.37 Reputation: 1003 Achievement Points: 14880 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 1 Joined: 09/01/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: April 12, 2018 Birthday: 04/29/1966 Posted July 7, 2011 good ones nick Awards
Hunter1948 Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 1850 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 98 Topic Count: 328 Topics Per Day: 0.06 Content Count: 8620 Content Per Day: 1.62 Reputation: 4222 Achievement Points: 55994 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 5 Joined: 09/29/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: November 29, 2023 Birthday: 06/19/1948 Posted July 7, 2011 LMAO Awards
Bushape Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 839 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 18 Topic Count: 83 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 1334 Content Per Day: 0.24 Reputation: 64 Achievement Points: 7776 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/05/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: August 12, 2020 Birthday: 07/17/1958 Posted July 7, 2011 Thanks Nick, Damn good ones. They were all funny. lmao Awards
TBB Posted July 7, 2011 Member ID: 989 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 25 Topic Count: 290 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 20472 Content Per Day: 3.66 Reputation: 22503 Achievement Points: 147858 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 392 Joined: 01/07/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: 9 minutes ago Birthday: 01/27/1946 Device: Windows Posted July 7, 2011 Good ones guys - thanks Awards
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