JohnnyDos Posted February 13, 2013 Member ID: 77 Group: Fallen Members Followers: 111 Topic Count: 1018 Topics Per Day: 0.19 Content Count: 7527 Content Per Day: 1.40 Reputation: 9175 Achievement Points: 69486 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 47 Joined: 09/02/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: January 8, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2013 A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what was written: In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.Then God made the world.He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution. hxtr, Pharticus and IceMan NZ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pancakes Posted February 14, 2013 Member ID: 2395 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 19 Topic Count: 40 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 800 Content Per Day: 0.17 Reputation: 217 Achievement Points: 5471 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/13/11 Status: Offline Last Seen: January 10 Birthday: 07/22/1994 Device: Windows Share Posted February 14, 2013 Haha xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
GhostfaceJim Posted February 14, 2013 Member ID: 2314 Group: ++ Conan Exiles Admin Followers: 32 Topic Count: 112 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 20717 Content Per Day: 4.30 Reputation: 5314 Achievement Points: 113891 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 50 Joined: 03/19/11 Status: Offline Last Seen: 6 hours ago Birthday: 04/22/1975 Device: Windows Share Posted February 14, 2013 Makes total sense! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
BurnnBright Posted February 14, 2013 Member ID: 22339 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 17 Topic Count: 167 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 1715 Content Per Day: 0.50 Reputation: 679 Achievement Points: 12965 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 7 Joined: 01/13/15 Status: Offline Last Seen: May 22 Birthday: 03/20/1972 Device: Windows Share Posted February 14, 2013 lol Very cute. GhostfaceJim 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
Pharticus Posted February 14, 2013 Member ID: 1320 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 7 Topic Count: 37 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 611 Content Per Day: 0.12 Reputation: 357 Achievement Points: 4498 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/10/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: August 10, 2020 Birthday: 01/14/1976 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Why can't I have 500 porcupines?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
STARTJIMX Posted February 14, 2013 Member ID: 3411 Group: ***- Inactive Clan Members Followers: 17 Topic Count: 50 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 212 Content Per Day: 0.05 Reputation: 68 Achievement Points: 2230 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/29/12 Status: Offline Last Seen: November 7, 2023 Birthday: 03/27/1995 Device: Windows Share Posted February 14, 2013 not gone read it to much words Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
HarryWeezer Posted February 14, 2013 Member ID: 20166 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 40 Topic Count: 611 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 7654 Content Per Day: 1.97 Reputation: 7229 Achievement Points: 53674 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 36 Joined: 10/04/13 Status: Offline Last Seen: Saturday at 11:52 PM Birthday: 10/16/1946 Device: Windows Share Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. Just curious: what did the two anteaters eat, after they ate the two ants? And, why are there still ants? Edited February 14, 2013 by SgtHarryWeezer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
JohnnyDos Posted February 14, 2013 Member ID: 77 Group: Fallen Members Followers: 111 Topic Count: 1018 Topics Per Day: 0.19 Content Count: 7527 Content Per Day: 1.40 Reputation: 9175 Achievement Points: 69486 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 47 Joined: 09/02/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: January 8, 2020 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 I don't know Harry,what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hxtr Posted February 14, 2013 Member ID: 220 Group: **- Inactive Registered Users Followers: 147 Topic Count: 595 Topics Per Day: 0.11 Content Count: 16950 Content Per Day: 3.15 Reputation: 13538 Achievement Points: 129714 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 120 Joined: 09/04/09 Status: Offline Last Seen: October 26, 2023 Birthday: 04/05/1970 Device: Windows Share Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. Just curious: what did the two anteaters eat, after they ate the two ants? And, why are there still ants? silly Harry... dont you know ants can float? seeeesh That was a good one JohnnyDOS. Sending to all my atheist friends like Harry. lol Edited February 14, 2013 by hxtr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBB Posted February 14, 2013 Member ID: 989 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 25 Topic Count: 270 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 18259 Content Per Day: 3.48 Reputation: 20320 Achievement Points: 133799 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 272 Joined: 01/07/10 Status: Offline Last Seen: 1 hour ago Birthday: 01/27/1946 Device: Windows Share Posted February 14, 2013 One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. Just curious: what did the two anteaters eat, after they ate the two ants? And, why are there still ants? They propagated before being eaten - thought everyone knew that Sarge hxtr 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
HarryWeezer Posted February 14, 2013 Member ID: 20166 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 40 Topic Count: 611 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 7654 Content Per Day: 1.97 Reputation: 7229 Achievement Points: 53674 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 36 Joined: 10/04/13 Status: Offline Last Seen: Saturday at 11:52 PM Birthday: 10/16/1946 Device: Windows Share Posted February 14, 2013 One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. Just curious: what did the two anteaters eat, after they ate the two ants? And, why are there still ants? They propagated before being eaten - thought everyone knew that Sarge Good answer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
-Stealthydeath- Posted February 15, 2013 Member ID: 2341 Group: **- Inactive Registered Users Followers: 1 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 21 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 7 Achievement Points: 155 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/27/11 Status: Offline Last Seen: July 24, 2017 Birthday: 09/12/1994 Share Posted February 15, 2013 More believeable then the real bible haha ^^ Tristan 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BurnnBright Posted February 15, 2013 Member ID: 22339 Group: *** Clan Members Followers: 17 Topic Count: 167 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 1715 Content Per Day: 0.50 Reputation: 679 Achievement Points: 12965 Solved Content: 0 Days Won: 7 Joined: 01/13/15 Status: Offline Last Seen: May 22 Birthday: 03/20/1972 Device: Windows Share Posted February 15, 2013 More believeable then the real bible haha ^^ Uh NO! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
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