Thanks Everyone!

JohnnyDos · March 22, 2016

Thanks Everyone!



    As we progress into 2016, I
    want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over
    the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little
    chance of recovery.



        I can no longer open a
    bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor
    let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without
    worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

        I can't sit down on a hotel
    bedspread because I can only imagine what has
    happened on it since it was last washed.

        I have trouble shaking hands
    with someone who has been driving
    because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking
    one's nose.

        Eating a little snack sends
    me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many
    gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

        I can't touch any woman's
    handbag for fear she has placed it on the
    floor of a public toilet.

        I must send my special thanks
    for the email about rat poo in the
    glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
    every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of
    every can I open for the same reason.

        I can't have a drink in a bar
    because I fear I'll wake up in a
    bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

        I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually
    horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

        I can't use cancer-causing
    deodorants even though I smell like a water
    buffalo on a hot day.

        Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only
    get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
    make a wish within five minutes.

        Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
    it can remove toilet stains.

        I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along
    to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back
    seat when I'm filling up.

        I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
    seven different types of cancer.

        And thanks for letting me
    know I can't boil a cup of water in the
    microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
    disfiguring me for life.

        I no longer go to the cinema
    because I could be pricked with a
    needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

        I no longer go to shopping
    centers because someone will drug me with
    a perfume sample and rob me..

        I no longer answer the phone because someone will
    ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill
    with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ....

        Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
    because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and
    cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

        And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick
    up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
    placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend
    over.

        I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get
    bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.



      and by the way...

        A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy
    study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
    activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I
    was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the
    toilet..



    NOW YOU HAVE
    YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…