Congratulations Yanks

[RobMc]

Hey now I see the USA are hosting the real game of football, as played by 99% of the world, not your impostor football (sorry Dot), you might even enjoy it (I don't). So Rob will give you a few pointers :-

1/. It's played over two 45 minute sides with a 15 minute break, extra time is awarded for delays, it is not played over 5 hours with multiple stoppages which you're used to.

2/. No one wears armour and only the goalkeeper handles the ball

3/. Heres the bitch, no time for bbq's

4/. You will observe players writhing in agony on the ground, sobbing and crying, don't worry this is normal

5/. Nowadays it is hard to distinguish players as they're all covered in tattoos and look similar

6/. Get someone else to explain the offside rule

7/. Stick to what you know, sports designed for people over 6' 6" and 500 lbs

 

Any questions ask Monkie, he's the expert

[TBB]

15 minutes ago, RobMc said:

Hey now I see the USA are hosting the real game of football, as played by 99% of the world, not your impostor football (sorry Dot), you might even enjoy it (I don't). So Rob will give you a few pointers :-

1/. It's played over two 45 minute sides with a 15 minute break, extra time is awarded for delays, it is not played over 5 hours with multiple stoppages which you're used to.

2/. No one wears armour and only the goalkeeper handles the ball

3/. Heres the bitch, no time for bbq's

4/. You will observe players writhing in agony on the ground, sobbing and crying, don't worry this is normal

5/. Nowadays it is hard to distinguish players as they're all covered in tattoos and look similar

6/. Get someone else to explain the offside rule

7/. Stick to what you know, sports designed for people over 6' 6" and 500 lbs

 

Any questions ask Monkie, he's the expert

And you're describing one of your dates why???   

[RobMc]

1 hour ago, TBB said:

And you're describing one of your dates why???   

I don't date football players, but if that's your scene buddy?????????????? who gives a toss ?? (GET IT?)

[RobMc]

More football facts for the newbies

1/. The ball is round

2/. The goalposts are quite low

3/. You get an orange at half time

4/. You can get quite rich

5/. Managers are sacked and changed every month

6/. Most clubs are broke, the players are not

7/. Women play, but not against men, which I find strange with equality laws?

8/. Supporters enjoy fighting each other

9/. It gets less physical as the years go by

[jointz]

Rob is going to be classified as a goalkeeper based on the fact he love to handle the balls. I heard usually it's the refs but that was just word on the street 

[RobMc]

PART 3

1/. Footballs really exciting, about on par with trimming your toenails, honestly it's that good

2/. You'll learn about the magic sponge, where players rolling round on the ground screaming and looking like they've been hit by Kentucky Ballistics 4 bore, instantly recover when it's applied.

3/. If you've got an hour or two to spare sit and read about the offside rule

4/. Traditionally in the UK at half time we sup hot beef drinks and eat pies consisting mainly of offal, a fantastic culinary experience for the newcomers.

5/. I ate all the pies

6/. In the old days before seating, people used to pee in your pocket in the crush (true)

7/. It is compulsory to consume large amounts of alcohol before the match (game) and after

Edited June 10 by RobMc

[RobMc]

PART 4

1/. The main object is to score a 'goal', many games reach a climax without any goals after two hours (normal plus extra time)

2/. This is mainly because the average thick football player does not realise this, a 'goal' is when you beat the goalkeeper and the ball hits the back of the net.

3/. New observers will see a team get the ball in their half, pass it right up the field to within yards of the opponents goal, then pass it all the way back to start again.

4/. If by accident some overpaid egotist of a player actually scores then the other members of his team kiss and hug him. This game might be highly suitable for @jointz and @TBB, who as we know need a hug now and again.

5/.Buy a book and spend a few hours in the sun familiarising yourself with the offside rule

6/. If watching on tv and there's a foul it's not like your football, you can't take the family out for a meal until it restarts, remember we have a magic sponge.

Edited June 10 by RobMc

[Dot80]

xxxooo

[RobMc]

1 hour ago, Dot80 said:

xxxooo

xxxxoooo

[RobMc]

PART 5

1/. Football is really interesting once you have grasped the offside rule, though officials struggle with this

2/. In an effort to hijack the origins a certain country calls the game soccer, oh no no no, deal with your own failings

3/. In the UK we still remember bitterly 'The hand of God'

4/. Apparently in the UK it's our national sport? despite ten times as many people fishing

5/. The 'experts' are called pundits, the pundits haven't a clue, however their bank balances suggest otherwise

6/. During the tournament, for a very modest fee Rob is available for consultations on the offside rule

 

Enjoy it, I'll be fishing

[TBB]

13 hours ago, RobMc said:

PART 4

1/. The main object is to score a 'goal', many games reach a climax without any goals after two hours (normal plus extra time)

2/. This is mainly because the average thick football player does not realise this, a 'goal' is when you beat the goalkeeper and the ball hits the back of the net.

3/. New observers will see a team get the ball in their half, pass it right up the field to within yards of the opponents goal, then pass it all the way back to start again.

4/. If by accident some overpaid egotist of a player actually scores then the other members of his team kiss and hug him. This game might be highly suitable for @jointz and @TBB, who as we know need a hug now and again.

5/.Buy a book and spend a few hours in the sun familiarising yourself with the offside rule

6/. If watching on tv and there's a foul it's not like your football, you can't take the family out for a meal until it restarts, remember we have a magic sponge.

Sorry @RobMc - the only hugs and kisses I accept are from @Icequeen

[RobMc]

6 hours ago, TBB said:

Sorry @RobMc - the only hugs and kisses I accept are from @Icequeen

Dreamer

[216Harley]

[Barron]

Part 6: It's not coming home @RobMc 

[RobMc]

PART 7

1/. The world loves football, that is apart from the only sensible nation, but it's being played there now, they're playing with fire.

2/. I remember my one and only game, the 'manager' said he'd let me kick off then pull me off at half time??? blimey I was only expecting an orange?

3/. We learn the offside rule at school in the UK

4/. Scotland are hopeless but humour them, their Rugby team is great (American soccer without armour, only for real men)

5/. I got interested once when doing my nails and the commentator said the game was reaching a climax, how disappointed was I?

6/. There is womens football now, played by girls who arrive at the ground in checked shirts, dungarees and chewing tobacco.

7/. Watching womens football is only for the biggest perverts on the planet, @TBB prints a  newspaper describing the highlight (when the whistle blows)

[TBB]

3 hours ago, RobMc said:

PART 7

1/. The world loves football, that is apart from the only sensible nation, but it's being played there now, they're playing with fire.

2/. I remember my one and only game, the 'manager' said he'd let me kick off then pull me off at half time??? blimey I was only expecting an orange?

3/. We learn the offside rule at school in the UK

4/. Scotland are hopeless but humour them, their Rugby team is great (American soccer without armour, only for real men)

5/. I got interested once when doing my nails and the commentator said the game was reaching a climax, how disappointed was I?

6/. There is womens football now, played by girls who arrive at the ground in checked shirts, dungarees and chewing tobacco.

7/. Watching womens football is only for the biggest perverts on the planet, @TBB prints a  newspaper describing the highlight (when the whistle blows)

And you know about my news letter how???  You subscribed under 2 different names!!!  At least  i only blow whistles!!!   

[RobMc]

PART 8

[RobMc]

PART 9

1/. Feedback from fans travelling to the USA from GB and experiencing America for the first time

A/. Scotland - the Jocks are struggling with dietary problems, used to a diet of neeps and tatties, offal (haggis) washed down with Irn Bru (pure sugar) and finished off with a deep fried Mars bar. Many have been overwhelmed by the plethora of options they are now offered. Wee Shugs from Glasgae, tried Mexican food for the first time, after flattening the staff in the restaurant for attempted murder he was last seen in the town fountain, drinking it.

B/. England - It has been hard to put together an English team following the predominance of foreign players in their leagues. However on the plus side they suffer no dietary needs or allergies, and are indeed delighted at the portions given at KFC and McDonalds. Their only gripe is the beer, being idiots they followed the recommendations of a well known alcoholic  beer taster from Florida. It was far too cold and far too light for real British ale, no the wonder they can't shoot straight.

2/. In the true spirit of wokeness British commentators will no longer use the words 'kick off' (referring to a riot or fight, 'tackle' (which could be associated with mens genitalia) and 'sent off' (which is offensive).

3/. Rob is still awaiting the first client on the offside rule