Congratulations Yanks

[RobMc]

Hey now I see the USA are hosting the real game of football, as played by 99% of the world, not your impostor football (sorry Dot), you might even enjoy it (I don't). So Rob will give you a few pointers :-

1/. It's played over two 45 minute sides with a 15 minute break, extra time is awarded for delays, it is not played over 5 hours with multiple stoppages which you're used to.

2/. No one wears armour and only the goalkeeper handles the ball

3/. Heres the bitch, no time for bbq's

4/. You will observe players writhing in agony on the ground, sobbing and crying, don't worry this is normal

5/. Nowadays it is hard to distinguish players as they're all covered in tattoos and look similar

6/. Get someone else to explain the offside rule

7/. Stick to what you know, sports designed for people over 6' 6" and 500 lbs

 

Any questions ask Monkie, he's the expert

[TBB]

15 minutes ago, RobMc said:

Hey now I see the USA are hosting the real game of football, as played by 99% of the world, not your impostor football (sorry Dot), you might even enjoy it (I don't). So Rob will give you a few pointers :-

1/. It's played over two 45 minute sides with a 15 minute break, extra time is awarded for delays, it is not played over 5 hours with multiple stoppages which you're used to.

2/. No one wears armour and only the goalkeeper handles the ball

3/. Heres the bitch, no time for bbq's

4/. You will observe players writhing in agony on the ground, sobbing and crying, don't worry this is normal

5/. Nowadays it is hard to distinguish players as they're all covered in tattoos and look similar

6/. Get someone else to explain the offside rule

7/. Stick to what you know, sports designed for people over 6' 6" and 500 lbs

 

Any questions ask Monkie, he's the expert

And you're describing one of your dates why???   

[RobMc]

1 hour ago, TBB said:

And you're describing one of your dates why???   

I don't date football players, but if that's your scene buddy?????????????? who gives a toss ?? (GET IT?)

[RobMc]

More football facts for the newbies

1/. The ball is round

2/. The goalposts are quite low

3/. You get an orange at half time

4/. You can get quite rich

5/. Managers are sacked and changed every month

6/. Most clubs are broke, the players are not

7/. Women play, but not against men, which I find strange with equality laws?

8/. Supporters enjoy fighting each other

9/. It gets less physical as the years go by

[jointz]

Rob is going to be classified as a goalkeeper based on the fact he love to handle the balls. I heard usually it's the refs but that was just word on the street 

[RobMc]

PART 3

1/. Footballs really exciting, about on par with trimming your toenails, honestly it's that good

2/. You'll learn about the magic sponge, where players rolling round on the ground screaming and looking like they've been hit by Kentucky Ballistics 4 bore, instantly recover when it's applied.

3/. If you've got an hour or two to spare sit and read about the offside rule

4/. Traditionally in the UK at half time we sup hot beef drinks and eat pies consisting mainly of offal, a fantastic culinary experience for the newcomers.

5/. I ate all the pies

6/. In the old days before seating, people used to pee in your pocket in the crush (true)

7/. It is compulsory to consume large amounts of alcohol before the match (game) and after

Edited Wednesday at 01:52 AM by RobMc

[RobMc]

PART 4

1/. The main object is to score a 'goal', many games reach a climax without any goals after two hours (normal plus extra time)

2/. This is mainly because the average thick football player does not realise this, a 'goal' is when you beat the goalkeeper and the ball hits the back of the net.

3/. New observers will see a team get the ball in their half, pass it right up the field to within yards of the opponents goal, then pass it all the way back to start again.

4/. If by accident some overpaid egotist of a player actually scores then the other members of his team kiss and hug him. This game might be highly suitable for @jointz and @TBB, who as we know need a hug now and again.

5/.Buy a book and spend a few hours in the sun familiarising yourself with the offside rule

6/. If watching on tv and there's a foul it's not like your football, you can't take the family out for a meal until it restarts, remember we have a magic sponge.

Edited Wednesday at 06:33 AM by RobMc

[Dot80]

xxxooo

[RobMc]

1 hour ago, Dot80 said:

xxxooo

xxxxoooo

[RobMc]

PART 5

1/. Football is really interesting once you have grasped the offside rule, though officials struggle with this

2/. In an effort to hijack the origins a certain country calls the game soccer, oh no no no, deal with your own failings

3/. In the UK we still remember bitterly 'The hand of God'

4/. Apparently in the UK it's our national sport? despite ten times as many people fishing

5/. The 'experts' are called pundits, the pundits haven't a clue, however their bank balances suggest otherwise

6/. During the tournament, for a very modest fee Rob is available for consultations on the offside rule

 

Enjoy it, I'll be fishing

[TBB]

13 hours ago, RobMc said:

PART 4

1/. The main object is to score a 'goal', many games reach a climax without any goals after two hours (normal plus extra time)

2/. This is mainly because the average thick football player does not realise this, a 'goal' is when you beat the goalkeeper and the ball hits the back of the net.

3/. New observers will see a team get the ball in their half, pass it right up the field to within yards of the opponents goal, then pass it all the way back to start again.

4/. If by accident some overpaid egotist of a player actually scores then the other members of his team kiss and hug him. This game might be highly suitable for @jointz and @TBB, who as we know need a hug now and again.

5/.Buy a book and spend a few hours in the sun familiarising yourself with the offside rule

6/. If watching on tv and there's a foul it's not like your football, you can't take the family out for a meal until it restarts, remember we have a magic sponge.

Sorry @RobMc - the only hugs and kisses I accept are from @Icequeen

[RobMc]

6 hours ago, TBB said:

Sorry @RobMc - the only hugs and kisses I accept are from @Icequeen

Dreamer

[216Harley]

[Barron]

Part 6: It's not coming home @RobMc 

[RobMc]

PART 7

1/. The world loves football, that is apart from the only sensible nation, but it's being played there now, they're playing with fire.

2/. I remember my one and only game, the 'manager' said he'd let me kick off then pull me off at half time??? blimey I was only expecting an orange?

3/. We learn the offside rule at school in the UK

4/. Scotland are hopeless but humour them, their Rugby team is great (American soccer without armour, only for real men)

5/. I got interested once when doing my nails and the commentator said the game was reaching a climax, how disappointed was I?

6/. There is womens football now, played by girls who arrive at the ground in checked shirts, dungarees and chewing tobacco.

7/. Watching womens football is only for the biggest perverts on the planet, @TBB prints a  newspaper describing the highlight (when the whistle blows)

[TBB]

3 hours ago, RobMc said:

PART 7

1/. The world loves football, that is apart from the only sensible nation, but it's being played there now, they're playing with fire.

2/. I remember my one and only game, the 'manager' said he'd let me kick off then pull me off at half time??? blimey I was only expecting an orange?

3/. We learn the offside rule at school in the UK

4/. Scotland are hopeless but humour them, their Rugby team is great (American soccer without armour, only for real men)

5/. I got interested once when doing my nails and the commentator said the game was reaching a climax, how disappointed was I?

6/. There is womens football now, played by girls who arrive at the ground in checked shirts, dungarees and chewing tobacco.

7/. Watching womens football is only for the biggest perverts on the planet, @TBB prints a  newspaper describing the highlight (when the whistle blows)

And you know about my news letter how???  You subscribed under 2 different names!!!  At least  i only blow whistles!!!