For the rest of my life!

[BigPapaDean]

 

Depression is a word so over used to describe when someone is feeling sad or just down and out. Then when some one is talking about "clinical depression" it is assumed that people who are sad and down and out know what you are talking about. There are many different forms and severity of this horrible debilitating disease that science has hardly scratched the depth of what it really encompasses. If you haven't been trained professionally or experienced it then there is no way you can fathom the suffering those of us have from time to time. I use to try and help people that didn't know what it is and how I feel when I am having and episode, but then after failing to do so I decided the normal person with no empathy toward this disease has no understanding and are in fact detached from me and my feelings when I have these occurrences. When I was interviewed for disability the Dr asked me a question I had never thought about in the way she asked . She asked me if I had motivation. Immediately I thought about my whole life of having opportunity after opportunity and had no motivation to take advantage of them. I responded with the question, "Are you telling me that because I have had no motivation my whole life, that I have be depressed my whole life?" Her simple answer "Yes" opened up my comprehension of things I had wandered and pondered about for years with no answer in sight. 

Things like being told my whole life I was lazy and that I should feel ashamed because I had this or that opportunity. I was told so many times I believed I was simply worthless. Yet on those few days when I felt good I could out work the best. For years I struggled not knowing what was wrong with me. Sometimes I wished that I would just die and have it all over with. I didn't contemplate suicide until that fateful day about 5 or 6 years ago when my marriage fell apart. The failure of the marriage was not the trigger that set me on that path. It was something that had my heart much more than she did at that time. We had this little dog and her name was Lolababy.

She was a Pomeranian which are known as the heartbreak breed. Little did I know when we got her she would wrap my love around her little heart and she became the object of my love in ways I had never given love before. We use to take her to be groomed so she would look so beautiful and sweet. She loved to watch television commercials with little critters and would bark at them with excitement. She was like having a little child with us and she was treated as such. One day we took her to the groomer and they yanked on her neck choker way to hard and she got this horrible and eadly disease called collapsed trachea. That is where the breathing tube in her throat would collapse in her throat to where she couldn't breath. We were told she could be okay and live for years or it could be short. The day finally come and when I got up for work I knew I would not see her that night when I came home that night. I told her it was okay to go and not suffer any more pain. I cried like a baby when later that morning the call came she was gone. 

It took a while for the effects to hit me like a ton of bricks, but when they did I hurt like I had never hurt before in my life. This was the trigger that kicked my nervous breakdown and caused me to plan my suicide. I was in this deep dark hole and felt like there was no way out. I just wanted the pain to stop but it didn't. I planned that on my way to work I would run headlong into one of many bridges along the way. When I saw the effect of the suicide attempt by my soon to be ex on our kids something caused me to seek professional help. I was having problems with this at work and I worked an extremely high pressure job. It became obvious that I couldn't handle the pressure any longer so I retired. The company had a huge party for me which I forgot about and missed it but my mind was not working right and I felt lost most of the time. 

You see I was at this point "clinically depressed." I am one of hundreds of thousands with like symptoms that have stopped our lives and left us stranded in a place where there is no escape. It's like being held ina jail cell for something we didn't do with not sentence length or even having hope for a pardon. Some do things that get them here but most are innocent and just want their lives back. I am one of many that wants to move forward but the cell walls keep me bound although they be invisible. Mine has cycles it goes through and at present while I have so many good things happening for me I am at the bottom of my cycle. Hopefully this won't last too much longer. When I am on the bottom I have many anxieties and when I am at the top I feel so good I wonder if I really have an issue with depression. But I will always have this disease. Meds make me feel out of touch and very moody. So when I can afford it I use marijuana which have a very calming affect on me. I feel like I am whole again tho it is only temporary. So there are times I cannot afford to get mj so I just let the emotions run their gambit. This is where you as friends and family come in.

Most people have never heard what I am about to tell you but for you this is critical in dealing with someone like me. There are things that trigger some very emotional outburst and the thing you need to be aware of is there are trigger words and phrases that set me off when I am at the point of an issue. Certain words and triggers make me act very crazy and out of sorts and when they are said I have a very explosive temper. I have always been a hot head but have by and large kept it under control. The only way you can know what those triggers are is ti remember the reactions you get when you speak them inadvertently. One of the worst ones for me was "you have to" do or say certain things. The worst trigger from an action was when one of my close friends decided after I told him to not get in my face or I would not be responsible for what followed, that he would test me. The look he got when he did scared him so bad he didn't move or make a sound. I don't know how I fought the outburst off as I had a inner fight with myself and when it begin to pass he just sat there not knowing what to do. He now knows I was telling him the truth and since that time he has always been very selective with words and actions when dealing with me. 

I hate having to live this way and always pray thet God will remove this affliction as I would much rather be a productive person than what some refer to as a ticking time bomb. My real nature is to be kind and help others as much and any way I have at my disposal but I am very limited these days. Thanks to some very special friends that have stood beside me these last several years I feel loved and appreciated.

My purpose for writing this is to inform you that these disorders are real and they affect in many ways. There needs to be a whole lot more study done to really find answers and if there is a common link to all the variables. The next time you see someone who may be affected by this disease remember they just want to be loved and appreciated just like you. If you have any questions about me and this disease please feel free to ask but remember be respectful and I will return the same to you! 

[Damage_inc-]

hmmmmmm

Edited June 7, 2014 by Damage_inc-

[Pharticus]

 

 

Most people have never heard what I am about to tell you but for you this is critical in dealing with someone like me. There are things that trigger some very emotional outburst and the thing you need to be aware of is there are trigger words and phrases that set me off when I am at the point of an issue. Certain words and triggers make me act very crazy and out of sorts and when they are said I have a very explosive temper. I have always been a hot head but have by and large kept it under control. The only way you can know what those triggers are is ti remember the reactions you get when you speak them inadvertently. One of the worst ones for me was "you have to" do or say certain things. The worst trigger from an action was when one of my close friends decided after I told him to not get in my face or I would not be responsible for what followed, that he would test me. The look he got when he did scared him so bad he didn't move or make a sound. I don't know how I fought the outburst off as I had a inner fight with myself and when it begin to pass he just sat there not knowing what to do. He now knows I was telling him the truth and since that time he has always been very selective with words and actions when dealing with me. 

 

 

 

 

My initial reaction to what you have said: 

1)  You are ALWAYS responsible for your actions.  You can't control your feelings, but you can choose how to respond to them.

2)  The triggers are your issue, not the rest of the world's.  As your friends, we will try to be sensitive about what we say, but ultimately you need to identify and deal with these issues.  I suggest counseling or a program like Celebrate Recovery (available in many churches for free).  We all have hurts from our past, but sometimes they continue to manifest themselves in the present.  I'm praying for you.  Gal. 5:1

[KingStinger!]

Praying for you bud. Be strong. Remember, with God's help you can overcome anything if you ask for it.

[BigPapaDean]

My initial reaction to what you have said: 

1)  You are ALWAYS responsible for your actions.  You can't control your feelings, but you can choose how to respond to them.

2)  The triggers are your issue, not the rest of the world's.  As your friends, we will try to be sensitive about what we say, but ultimately you need to identify and deal with these issues.  I suggest counseling or a program like Celebrate Recovery (available in many churches for free).  We all have hurts from our past, but sometimes they continue to manifest themselves in the present.  I'm praying for you.  Gal. 5:1

Pharticus do you have a degree or for that matter any course of study in this disease? If you do you are so out of touch with reality as to what I wrote. You lack empathy for this type of disease. As far as me choosing how to react you are ignorant there too you totally are in the dark ages about this disease and until you do your home work you might want to refrain from posting about a disease you know  little or nothing about. I have lived with this all my life and tried all those bible verses you like to quote problem is they are talking to spiritually sick people not mentally ill people. People that need freedom from the captivating grips of sin not people like me who am already a believer. I use to be a pastor and taught all those things you are promoting but in mental illness cases They simply do NOT work. I have good spiritual thoughts daily and even minute by minute but when if someone crosses that boundary and triggers my anger I can't control it easily at all and then it becomes the persons problem that triggered me. I hate being this way and meds only help to a point but counselling does nothing but makes me aware of certain ways to try and avoid situations. I pray and talk to God constantly and for you or anyone to assume I don't by just reading this is a total mistake on your or their part. I have been able to counsel many people just like me and got them some help to get a long in life. I appreciate you considering my feelings but my feelings for the most part are a small piece of the cause of my reactions when I hear or see a trigger. Don't ever think someone like me can do this all alone they need family support and friends who know that you really don't like how you are. I would trade places with you in a heart beat but then I wouldn't be bearing my cross would I? 

[Brick]

Thanks for sharing so open and honestly. You have made some things in my life make sense. Its nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. 

Edited June 11, 2014 by Brick

[RANDALL]

@@BigPapaDean I too have suffered from clinical depression. I felt like my whole world was grey for 5 months my senior year of high school. I didn't go to school for 3 months. I finally found the right medication that has kept me out of it for the last 5 years. I pray that things turn up for you. Sorry to hear about your dog.

[Giggles]

My dear friend I remember very well how bad it got and I still to this day would take them time I did with you and would not change it for the world and I am truly blessed you allowed me to help you come back from that dark hole and you know if you need me ever I am always a call away  or xfire or ts for that matter. I am so grateful I took the time I did with you and would do it for anyone I call a friend. God Bless

[Giggles]

p.s. you had to be willing to take the help and you did so tells me btw you know you have a problem and you reached out and I know in the end it helped save you.

[Senapsbread]

This hit's very close to home for me, and it helps me alot that you can speak of this openly in XI.

 

I am myself a pill-chewer and have struggled with this disease for years and didn't try to get help until not long ago.
Before that my rescue was alcohol and getting into fights to get the kick of feeling alive, a short temper wasn't to my disadvantage in that times.

 

Don't really know where I was going with that, but I guess all I want to say is that you are not alone and not in here either.

[_rAzor__]

wow! powerful statement Dean, thanks for sharing and the fact that you did is admirable. I deal with the same issue and couldn't handle it until I reached out either....like senapsBread said, your not alone,....prayers for you Dean

[Noears711XI]

Dean you are my brother and know this you are never alone. I will always be here for you, I will listen to you and will always keep you in my prayers may GOD Bless you. 

[HarryWeezer]

   Dean, I appreciate you sharing that. I am among the fortunate who have never experienced depression at such a level and you help me better understand what you - and my daughter - have endured. Two of my siblings and I have children who have been suicidal; my daughter overcame it with time and a whole lot of help; the other two we remain concerned for.

   I feel helpless in that I have little to offer here, other than to reinforce that you are among friends who care about you, want the very best for you, and are here for you. I learned with my recent illnesses how much that means; how it helps sustain you. That you can talk about this in such depth I would think is a part of the healing that I hope and pray continues for you.

   All good things and my very best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[google]

You were brave posting your story,very few people have done this.
the upside is that you communicate,and you do this,,communication with us means a lot to you,and we understand and appreciate this..
when you want a "shoulder"           shoulder closest we  >XI<family  

[FRENCHI]

je t admire de pouvoir en parlé et comme il est dit un peut plus haut : en parler est peut etre un debut de guérison .... 

[BigPapaDean]

I am touched by the empathy some of you are showing. I am doing much better these days yet the culture I grew up in was ti keep people like me in a closet and don't talk about them. To those who feel embarrassed to have some with this or any mental disorder I say this. Come out of your closet and walk into the 21st century. The means for treatment has gotten so vast even tho there are tons of studies and research left to do. I for one will not let you off the hook because I embarrass you or it may make you look bad. Now having said that let me tell you how I deal with this thing. I have held the hand of my maker thru this whole ordeal and when I needed His guidance I asked for it and He led me to the source of help available for me. I tried going to college for retraining and failed, but I discovered they had a program to help someone like me. I included only 5 treatment sessions but my Dr in my case changed it because she knew I needed the help badly. I told you this to show you even in failure there was goodness and I received much needed advice and counselling. My journey has taken me out on the street for 2 years where is disorder is rampant. The problem is there they can't afford to get help and therefore are left untreated and left to the cruel world to try and survive. It took me into a world that is so much different than the one I live in today. I am extremely glad for this journey I am on because it helps others to seek critical help when they are initially ashamed. This is a disease where pride has no room to exist. That comes later when you are well, if you are blessed enough to be so. Like I have said there are so many unanswered questions that need to be answered and if this is the beginning of the help you need please do as other have done and just pm me. Take back your life and be the person you are and not what you feel now. God bless you all.

[LandShark]

Great post Dean. People should be aware that depression strikes many people, for a variety of reasons.

 

I have worked with kids dealing with this and have dealt with it in the past in my own life.  If you would allow me, here are six things that are critical and actually work in beating depression:

 

1. Omega 3 Fatty Acids - The brain needs this to function correctly. Countries with highest rate of consumption also have the lowest rates of depression.

2. Engaged Activity - Learn to spend time with others. Too much alone time can make way to unhealthy and negative thinking. Many of our kids today are depressed because they have no parent when they come home from school and feel unwanted. We all need to feel wanted.

3. Physical Exercise - This is essential. Start slow with your doctor's approval, but NEVER GIVE UP. Exercise is a key ingredient to good health, mental spiritual and physical. You will be amazed at the rapid improvement you make if you start an exercise program.

4. Sunlight Exposure - Think this is silly? The sunlight signals your body to reset its internal clock. Don't knock it until you try it. Researchers have found that people in dreary climates have a larger problem with depression.

5. Social Support - Get active The research on this issue is clear: When it comes to depression, relationships matter. People who lack a supportive social network face an increased risk of becoming depressed, and of remaining depressed once an episode strikes. Fortunately, we can do a great deal to improve the quality and depth of our connections with other and this can have a huge payoff in terms of fighting depression and reducing the risk of recurrence. Get involved in a church group, or even a local Lions Club (I am a Lion). or volunteer at a Veterans wing of a hospital. Find what you like to be around and get around it.

6. Sleep - When sleep deprivation continues for days or weeks at a time, it can interfere with our ability to think clearly. It can even bring about serious health consequences. Disrupted sleep is one of the most potent triggers of depression, and there’s evidence that most episodes of mood disorder are preceded by at least several weeks of subpar slumber.

 

On the Spiritual side:

1. Pray - Prayer has a powerful impact on one's state of mind, and gives you as the created, much needed time with your creator.

2. Meditate - PM me directly for a great 7 minute routine that doesn't require you to do the splits. Meditation clears the soul out, and opens you up to spiritual thoughts.

3. Read Scripture - Scripture has a calming effect before bed. It also helps you set your focus for the day when done early in the morning.

 

Wishing you God's speed Dean. It took a lot of courage to write your story down, and I predict that if you practice these items, it will help you to make a great recovery and take back your life from this debilitating problem.

 

Finally, never stab sharks, this will lay on your conscience. Sharks, after all, are people too.

 

Praying for you, and here if you ever need to talk.

 

Landshark

[Pharticus]

Pharticus do you have a degree or for that matter any course of study in this disease? If you do you are so out of touch with reality as to what I wrote. You lack empathy for this type of disease. As far as me choosing how to react you are ignorant there too you totally are in the dark ages about this disease and until you do your home work you might want to refrain from posting about a disease you know  little or nothing about. I have lived with this all my life and tried all those bible verses you like to quote problem is they are talking to spiritually sick people not mentally ill people. People that need freedom from the captivating grips of sin not people like me who am already a believer. I use to be a pastor and taught all those things you are promoting but in mental illness cases They simply do NOT work. I have good spiritual thoughts daily and even minute by minute but when if someone crosses that boundary and triggers my anger I can't control it easily at all and then it becomes the persons problem that triggered me. I hate being this way and meds only help to a point but counselling does nothing but makes me aware of certain ways to try and avoid situations. I pray and talk to God constantly and for you or anyone to assume I don't by just reading this is a total mistake on your or their part. I have been able to counsel many people just like me and got them some help to get a long in life. I appreciate you considering my feelings but my feelings for the most part are a small piece of the cause of my reactions when I hear or see a trigger. Don't ever think someone like me can do this all alone they need family support and friends who know that you really don't like how you are. I would trade places with you in a heart beat but then I wouldn't be bearing my cross would I? 

 

Dean, I apologize for being insensitive in my response.  Will you forgive me?  The cry of my heart is to see you healed.  To answer some of your questions directed to me, even the rhetorical ones: no, I do not have a degree in clinical depression.  Yes, I do lack empathy.  I made no assumptions about your prayer life.  We are all spiritually sick in some sense for the simply fact that we are human.  Your problem may be spiritual, physical, emotional, mental or any combination of these. 

 

I was merely commenting on the paragraph that primarily dealt with your triggers.  That I do have experience in, although it's not a degree.  My wife was abused as a child and is easily triggered by me.  I mean well, but none the less I am her trigger for many things.  We have struggled in our marriage for 17 years and only recently did I discover what was the root of our marital issues.  Thus, I want to encourage you to look into the possibility that there may have been a very traumatic moment(s) in your childhood that is manifesting itself in your life as an adult.  When traumatic events happen to children at a young enough age they do not have healthy coping skills to deal with it.  It's just a possibility.  Maybe that didn't happen to you.  Maybe it did.  I am sincerely and consistently praying that you would be healed from this.

 

A friend recommended I read the book When the Woman You Love Was Abused: A Husband's Guide to Help Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation by Dawn Scott Jones.  It described my wife perfectly and helped me to understand why she reacts the way she does.

 

There is also When a Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman's Guide to Help Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation by Cecil Murphey.

 

Maybe these books can help someone understand their spouse.

[BigPapaDean]

Dean, I apologize for being insensitive in my response.  Will you forgive me?  The cry of my heart is to see you healed.  To answer some of your questions directed to me, even the rhetorical ones: no, I do not have a degree in clinical depression.  Yes, I do lack empathy.  I made no assumptions about your prayer life.  We are all spiritually sick in some sense for the simply fact that we are human.  Your problem may be spiritual, physical, emotional, mental or any combination of these. 

 

I was merely commenting on the paragraph that primarily dealt with your triggers.  That I do have experience in, although it's not a degree.  My wife was abused as a child and is easily triggered by me.  I mean well, but none the less I am her trigger for many things.  We have struggled in our marriage for 17 years and only recently did I discover what was the root of our marital issues.  Thus, I want to encourage you to look into the possibility that there may have been a very traumatic moment(s) in your childhood that is manifesting itself in your life as an adult.  When traumatic events happen to children at a young enough age they do not have healthy coping skills to deal with it.  It's just a possibility.  Maybe that didn't happen to you.  Maybe it did.  I am sincerely and consistently praying that you would be healed from this.

 

A friend recommended I read the book When the Woman You Love Was Abused: A Husband's Guide to Help Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation by Dawn Scott Jones.  It described my wife perfectly and helped me to understand why she reacts the way she does.

 

There is also When a Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman's Guide to Help Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation by Cecil Murphey.

 

Maybe these books can help someone understand their spouse.

I love your response here. I have had the opportunity to help a couple rape victims deal with their pain as my wife was brutally raped when we were dating. I know most all those triggers and this before I had triggers to actually deal with. Because I had first hand I did not need to read tho it may have saved me time in figuring it all out. Today we are no longer a couple but she will be effected the rest of her life. Thanks for reading my response. I didn't mean to get personal with you just straight to the facts. Thanks again.

[BigPapaDean]

Great post Dean. People should be aware that depression strikes many people, for a variety of reasons.

 

I have worked with kids dealing with this and have dealt with it in the past in my own life.  If you would allow me, here are six things that are critical and actually work in beating depression:

 

1. Omega 3 Fatty Acids - The brain needs this to function correctly. Countries with highest rate of consumption also have the lowest rates of depression.

2. Engaged Activity - Learn to spend time with others. Too much alone time can make way to unhealthy and negative thinking. Many of our kids today are depressed because they have no parent when they come home from school and feel unwanted. We all need to feel wanted.

3. Physical Exercise - This is essential. Start slow with your doctor's approval, but NEVER GIVE UP. Exercise is a key ingredient to good health, mental spiritual and physical. You will be amazed at the rapid improvement you make if you start an exercise program.

4. Sunlight Exposure - Think this is silly? The sunlight signals your body to reset its internal clock. Don't knock it until you try it. Researchers have found that people in dreary climates have a larger problem with depression.

5. Social Support - Get active The research on this issue is clear: When it comes to depression, relationships matter. People who lack a supportive social network face an increased risk of becoming depressed, and of remaining depressed once an episode strikes. Fortunately, we can do a great deal to improve the quality and depth of our connections with other and this can have a huge payoff in terms of fighting depression and reducing the risk of recurrence. Get involved in a church group, or even a local Lions Club (I am a Lion). or volunteer at a Veterans wing of a hospital. Find what you like to be around and get around it.

6. Sleep - When sleep deprivation continues for days or weeks at a time, it can interfere with our ability to think clearly. It can even bring about serious health consequences. Disrupted sleep is one of the most potent triggers of depression, and there’s evidence that most episodes of mood disorder are preceded by at least several weeks of subpar slumber.

 

On the Spiritual side:

1. Pray - Prayer has a powerful impact on one's state of mind, and gives you as the created, much needed time with your creator.

2. Meditate - PM me directly for a great 7 minute routine that doesn't require you to do the splits. Meditation clears the soul out, and opens you up to spiritual thoughts.

3. Read Scripture - Scripture has a calming effect before bed. It also helps you set your focus for the day when done early in the morning.

 

Wishing you God's speed Dean. It took a lot of courage to write your story down, and I predict that if you practice these items, it will help you to make a great recovery and take back your life from this debilitating problem.

 

Finally, never stab sharks, this will lay on your conscience. Sharks, after all, are people too.

 

Praying for you, and here if you ever need to talk.

 

Landshark

Landshark this is great info for me and any and all who have similar disorders! Thanks for posting it!

[LordOfChaos]

depression is not easy to deal with.  I know I have my "moments".  Deano you are a good person.  I know dealing with these issues can be a nightmare.  just hang tough and know you are with family.

 

Love ya bro.