Had a baby, Losing a baby

[PrimalFear]

Ok I'm gonna try to get through this, those of you that were on the server the day after fathers day already know some of what is happening in my life.

 

First the good news, on April 17th my wife gave birth to our second son, he was 8lbs 6oz healthy and perfect and everything works. He is now 2 months old but I just now got around to uploading the pictures from the camera. His name is Xander

 

 

 

 

Me my wife and my son

 

My 4yr old son Faber holding the baby

 

Another one of me and my son

 

Ok now the bad news, this is the hard part.

The day before father's day my wife was watching my kids and our niece, my wife noticed my niece was acting like she was drunk. She was walking into walls and didn't feel good. She called my niece's dad and he said she has been doing this lately when she was tired. That night my wife logged onto webmd.com and put in the symtoms.  Came back with inner ear infection or a brain tumor or severe emotional distress. She relayed this info and on father's day she seemed to have gotten worse. They took her to the emergency room and did a catscan. Sure enough, at 4yrs old she has a brain tumor.

 

So they transferred her by ambulance to

Doernbecher Children's Hospital in Portland, Oregon as a precaution and told us not to worry until it was evaluated. They told us that they would have to determine what type of surgery was needed and how much if any brain matter would have to be removed and we could go from there. (Happy Father's Day Right?). They took her in and scheduled an MRI for the following day. We were waiting by the phone as they wouldn't allow visitors yet.

 

Monday afternoon we get our results back and they call us and tell us that she has a very rare type of brain tumor located at the "Base of the Brain". Ok so what do we need to do to get her through this? They explain that this type of tumor is "in-operable", they explain that every child that has ever had this type of tumor did not survive the operation, zero percent success rate.

 

Ok, so do we need to go with kemo then? No, they explain that there is nothing that can be done and my little niece has 3-6 months to live. This was being relayed to me while on the server and that's why I lost it, I know Shadowlady, Greywolf and Magical and a few others heard all this.

 

Now I don't usually go posting this type of stuff but because of the questions and concern I know you guys really care about me and my family so I'm taking the time to explain all this crap.

 

I'm the strong one in my family, I generally don't cry at funerals, I know my parents and the rest of my grandparents will die and I understand it and except it, that's just the way of things. My family is able to cry on my shoulder and I do what I can to help them through it and I deal with it within my own mind.

 

 

This one is different, it's an overwhelming shock of disbelief that this is happening, I was there in the hospital shortly after she was born and with her being 9 months older than my son walking late, while my son walked early they were toddling around together and I have watched her grow alongside my son. Her and my son are in separable in a way I can't begin to discribe, they are more like brother and sister than cousins and they are always together.  The pictures will show that.

 

Ok, so here is where I turn into a blubberbag, sorry in advance.

So I get past my own loss and helping my family through this tough time is hard enough. But somebody tell me how in the HELL am I gonna look at my son's little face and explain to him that Juliette went to sleep and didn't wake up and he will never see her again. If anybody can tell me how the HELL I'm gonna do that I would appreciate it, send it in a pm if you don't like sharing your feelings, cause I don't know what I'm gonna do. They are both 4yrs old and they have no idea what death is, they also have no idea that this is happening, nor do they know that everytime they see each other maybe the last time, they just play and hug and laugh and share and talk and have fun. Seeing all this and knowing what I know is what is tearing me apart, it really rips your guts out.

 

Ok, so thats my sob story, originally I thought I'd be leaving XI again for awhile because of this, but there has been just the opposite effect. I think XI is the only thing that gives me a mental release I am a very family oriented man, so everything includes them, except this community. Thanks for the laughs and the support. Everybody goes through some tough times and I guess it's just my turn and you guys make it abit easier.

 

The Day before Father's Day (Juliett and Faber)

 

The day after Father's Day in the Hospital

 

 

Juliett and my new son Xander

 

What you can't see in this picture is that I am sitting in a chair in front of them with a camera, to my left and my right and behind me are abunch more family that just arrived, some are just finding out she is terminal. Everybody is hugging and crying and breaking down. Faber and Juliett don't understand why everybody is sad and crying thier eyes out, when they are happy to see everbody. Innocense is bliss. That's the face I have to look at while I explain his best friend in the whole world is gone.

 

The Zoo

 

Faber and Juliett

 

I've got over 2,000 pictures of these two together since birth, so I'll stop now.

 

We will enjoy spending time with her as we always have and try to ignore the black cloud, she had a shunt (tube) installed in the back of her head to help release pressure from the brain, they tell us she might get another 2 months of life by having it. She has been put at the top of the list by the "Make a Wish Foundation" and they are sending her and her parents to Walt Disney World Florida all expenses paid. Filling her life with joy has always been fun and she has filled ours as well. As the tumor grows in her little head she will begin to lose some motor functions, they tell us she will probably lose her ability to move her eyes, she will become more and more weak and will sleep more and more, upto 20hrs a day. One day she will goto sleep and not wake up, she will die peacefully and will not feel any pain. For this I am greatful. I am not ready to let her go and I'm not ready to face him when that day is forced on me. And I have a really hard time holding it together at times.

 

So thats the whole story thanks for reading it.

 

I added this in the Edit, I just found out this was posted online a few minutes ago.

http://tdn.com/news/local/article_f4eb941e-8646-11df-a1c3-001cc4c03286.html

[SGTDANKO]

wow u and your family is in my prayers  and i am sorry for your loss they sounded like a close couple  im speechless i dunno what to say  

[Rascal]

Oh my gosh. I'm very sorry for this, I'd imagine this is a hard thing to take in and accept what has come. I'm speechless and what to say, I'm sitting here and have tears in my eyes. i hope you get through this okay, and stay strong the whole time. I pray for all of you . And good luck with all.

[BlackOp8]

thats a really heart breaking story...

 

I wish I could offer some advice but I think in time you will figure out what you need to do. I wish you and your family all the best

[cspears]

I dont have any words that can help you all I can say is I am very sorry to hear about this and I am in tears for you and your family and I will be praying for you and your family and I will pray that when the time comes you will have the right words to tell your son. I am here for you if you ever need to talk I am a very good listener I will listen and I will cry with you if need be, but please remember we are all a family here at XI and I dont think there isnt one of us here that wouldnt listen to you or even cry with you. 

In my thoughts and prayers,

Christy (cspears)

[The Czech]

wow....Im so sorry to hear that man. thats breaking me down just reading it, i cant imagine what your going through. my thoughts and prayers are with your family. i hope you guys the best

[Arrienn]

I'm am very very sorry to hear this. Nothing can really be said to express how all this must feel for you and your family, and I can not express in words my feelings on the subject either. I will prayer for your family's strength and will to get through this tough time. I think it is safe to say that all of us here at XI are here for you in anyway we can be of help. Hang in there, and don't hesitate to lean on us when you need a steady hand.

 

And to not overshadow a glorious event, congratulations on the birth of your adorable son Zander. He is precious and I am sure you do not take that for granted. =)

[chavez]

sorry to hear this bad news .this is so unfair.

you and your family are in my prayers.

[Dirtbag333]

Im so sorry, I couldnt imagine going through this. I have a 5 & 6 year old witch have cousins of their own. I dont know how I woud explain that situation... My heart goes out to your family and I can only wish you all strength for the days to come.

 

Blake

[Blackbart]

I don't think anyone with a shred of humanity can read your words and the emotion that they display and not get choked up and misty eyed...I feel for you and all of your family and will especially say a prayer for Juliett...

[WolfTiS]

Primal, I don't know what to tell you but my thoughts and prayers are with all of you. God works in strange ways and has a reason for everything even though we might not see it at the time. I am sure that when the time comes you will have the right words and he will guide you through this. On a better note, congrats on a beautifull new son. Remember, we are all here for you.

[Juggernaut]

OMG!

I´m speechless, very sad and really really really sorry for you and your Family, Paul!

I´m sittin here, reading your Thread with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat! I can´t even imagine what you and your Family are going through. There are no words coming to my mind, that can express your situation or help you for this ...

You, your Family and your little Cutie will be in my Hopes and Prayers ...

I wish you strength and perseverance to go through this! I hope you stay strong the whole time.

 

>XI< Family will be here for you ... always!

 

- Oliver -

[Belle]

What a beautiful little girl, this is heartbreaking.  Like you said, a 4 year old cannot grasp life and death but I think you'll know what

to do when the time comes.    Your family will be in my prayers...  treasure every moment. 

[Bazza]

i am sorry to hear that for all involved. my heart goes out to you. families are all important. keep each other strong, and give her loads of joy and happiness. god bless

[LiquidStool]

Hey Primal,

 

i'm sorry to read this.  I know what it's like to lose a child.  You and your family are in my thoughts.  God bless you all.

 

Stool

 

PS;  You'll gain strength from the Idiot family.  I wish i'd been a member when i lost my daughter.............

 

 

[pwrcrzy52]

My heart breaks for you and your family , Iwil keep you in our prayers.  

[HarryWeezer]

It is such a tragedy that a sweet little girl like that must leave us. When it happens, it will be the most difficult thing you'll ever deal with and there are few words that can ease this kind of pain. You bear it as best you can, and pray for the strength to endure until time heals this horrible wound - as it will.

Your son is young enough that this won't scar him permanently.

Thanks for allowing us to share your pain. I hope it helps.

Best wishes to you and your family in this terrible time.

Harry   

[StanG]

My Dad has a brain tumor too. its on the brain stem too. he has had it for about 5 yrs now , doctors dont know why he is still here they cant undestand it but iam glad he is . time is the only thing that is going to make u get thru this . it will heal you in time but going thru this sucks big time , when you lose a child at any age its makes you think what the fuck why, why not some old a hole who does not desire to live .  My heart and prays go out to you ans yours

[snaFU73]

No words can express how sad this is….  My wife and I have 2 small children of our own and cannot fathom what it would be like to lose one.  Our prayers are with you.

[Ruggerxi]

Very sorry Fear to hear about this, man what a strange thing life is. How can it be so happy one minute then so sad the next. I hope the best for you guys and my prayers are with you and yours.

[Zoe]

omg primal... i have tears in my eyes and am speechless...

what happens to your cute niece makes me lose my belief in god.

this is not fair at all!

 

i'm not sure if this could help you, but maybe you can tell your son that an angel came to take her to heaven, where she will be watching and shadow him and will always be around to take care of him.

i know that sounds kitschy, but that's the only thing i would be able to say... and i think he would understand.

 

i send you and your family and especially juliett a big hug

zoe

[Iron Belly]

So sorry for all you and your family are going through.....its a reminder to cherish every minute.  Lets us be your venting station, shoot the HELL out us.  Tearfully

[Magnus_1]

I am new to the Clan, but I feel no less than the others over your situation. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family as well as for your niece.The world could use a miracle right about now, so I'll pray for one. A beautiful child should not be meant to suffer while the evil survive. God bless you all.

[Unchileno]

MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOUR FAMILY OUR FRIEND...LIFE IS SHIT SOME TIMES BUT LIKE SOME1 SAID IS FOR A PURPOSE..SWEET LITTLE ANGEL..DOES NOT DESERVE TO SUFFER LIKE THAT.....BE STRONG ..AND REMEMBER WE ARE HERE FOR YOU BROTHER..

[billyblade]

God be with you and yours primal. Take care.